Our Dull Spark

To the couple on the train, you were my muse.

My eyes crossed the bodies between the carriages.

The train was violent, rustling and thrusting.

His smoke left her lips as you both laughed,

hair wild in the wind,

God I wished that was us,

again for just a moment.

When we started my heart bled gold,

every smile of your's melting it that bit more.

Nowadays I wouldn't think you remember how to smile.

Our worlds move slowly, crossing so often and leaving us both lost,

my body, every inch, every curve,

craving you.

What I would give for us to be there again,

watching his kiss hold her in a trance, reminding her of his love.

Though many years have aged us, bonded us to each other,

depending on each other's breath.

I want nothing more than to feel that fire again.

Author's Note

Needing help with the structure as I don't really have much experience in poetry. All reviews and help / critique welcome :)

Reviews

[Relic]

I think the structure is fine. The story (in poetry form) is written well being you stay with the theme and didn't veer off to something unrelated.

Some memories never leave us. Time makes us wish we could go back again. Funny enough, twenty years from now, you'll make more memories you'll want to go back to when your old and grey.

Nicely done. :)

[Relic]

Oh, and welcome to WC. :)

[Jesica Kiraly-Cunningham]

Thank you so much! I'm always stressing about my structure so it's good to hear its okay :)

[Relic]

There is so much to learn about poetry. End lines, alliteration, metaphor, tone....the list goes on. I've been here 6 years and I'm still learning. It never stops.

[Jesica Kiraly-Cunningham]

I'm so excited to keep learning, it felt so good to pull this poetry from my feelings and thoughts.

[Relic]

That's what poetry is all about. Being able to express your feelings in a creative way.