Wings

I´m not sure about this one.. so let me know if there was anything you´d add or change.

As soon as the words left your mouth
My wings were clipped, all hope ran out
and now it's too cold to fly south
and It's too cold to stay here with you

The sky suddenly seems so insecure
I pictured you in our bed with her
I try to move but my broken wings won't stir
Each breath of wind holds pain and anger

We were once two beautiful birds
Lovely in spring´s warm colours
Colours that faded with actions and words
and spring was killed by cold blizzards

Through every cloud we would ascend
Maybe those feathers were coloured by deception
Now I don't think I´ll ever sing again
You sang a bittersweet tune bound to end

Your love made me fly higher I swear
But you shot me down from the air
You didn't think of me when you let her near
Giving up what only we were meant to share

As soon as the words left your mouth
My wings were clipped, all hope ran out
and now it's too cold to fly south
and It's too cold to stay here with you

Reviews

[Emily]

Very nice poem!
Well done!!

[B. Boileau]

It flows much better. It's still a sad tale. But your words make it seem not as bad . We'll done

[Puck]

You've written a lovely poem! I love the beginning and I like how you repeat it at the end.

Revision suggestions for the third and fourth stanza (for better flow):

We were once two beautiful birds
Flying in spring's warm colours
made lovely with your actions and words

Through every cloud we would ascend
Now those colours are shaded with deception
Now I don't think I´ll ever sing again

--

My favourite line: "The sky suddenly seems so insecure" . So simple and beautiful, especially paired with the bird metaphor. This was a lovely read!

[Johanna]

Thank you for the feedback.. do you think I should add another sentence on these ones as well? maybe threeline in the middle dosen´t work..

[Johanna]

Any better now?

[B. Boileau]

I like how it came full circle with the last verse same as the first. It the verses inbetween that lose the rhythm for me. Almost as if it was rushed. Maybe it's because your other stuff is so well balanced.
Still well imagined comparison ... The sky insecure... my broken wings wont stir
A sad story of betrayal

[Johanna]

I agree with you.. I wasn´t quite happy with this one as I usually am.. I just gotta figure out how to fix it

[Johanna]

any better now?