Dad

A poem inspired by biblical sufferers Jeremiah, Job, Jesus, and David. A very personal prayer that was motivated by a fumbled prayer that is the ending and anchor of this work.

 Inspired by Jer 20 and Job 16, 19 and Psalm 22, 30, 38, 41, 91

God, you have deceived me, and I was deceived;
You are stronger than I, and I am weak and dead.

I have become a laughing stock all the time;
every one mocks me, and the way I am

If I try to go back to the way things were
there is in my heart a burning fire that hurts

Clear to the bones my pain infects me,
and I am tired; I cannot be evil, nor happy

I hear all the people in my life, and their thoughts
"Just let it go, don't worry about God, just live"

He will forgive us if He is truly all loving, we owe naught
and besides, He gave us nothing, look how we suffer

Let a Curse be upon the day that I was born!
Let the day my mother gave life receive no blessing

Let the person who informed of my arrival be cursed
because they did not have the mercy to kill me before it was

Why was I born? Was it to work as a slave all my life?
Was I brought here to live in sorrow and shame everyday?
Job
Why has evil come to me, and why can I now not overcome?
Surely I could also say the things you people say in reply

I could speak as you do if I were in your place
I could say things that are meaningless and shake my head

Even in talking about my pain it does not leave
It does not get any better if I try to explain why I hurt so bad

Surely God has beaten me until I am no more
He has emptied all those who were once there for me

He has broken me, and torn me, and hates me;
those who are my enemy build themselves up in hatred

He has given me over to people who don't even serve Him
I was very happy, but He grabbed me by the spine and destroyed

He has torn open my body and let my blood spill to the ground
He has broken my body as if He were a tree that was felled upon me

I have tried penance and absolution; but my weakness returns swiftly
I have cried so many times that my eyes have often let me see naught but dark

All this, though I have not taken up violence with my hands, I have worked;
Even though I prayed for my enemies, and prayed in purity was this allowed

My friends have now become my pain. My love, an evil and sentient cancer
My hope if any, lies in the covenant, and that when I go, I shall be allowed in
19
For I know that my Redeemer lives, I know there is judgement
But look! Those I love, hate me. So have pity on me, forget my evil please!

I wish that the words I have spoken for them were written down!
I wish that all those I loved could see, that I still love them so! Regardless!

How long will I live my life like this, and how long will you torment me?
I know I have fallen, but does it not shame you to punish me so harshly?

It is true that I am not a good person, no matter how hard I try;
but what good is my confession when you have set yourself against me?

You have crushed me when I cried out and set a wall against my prayer.
There is darkness allowed from You in my heart, and a temptation too strong
Psalm
My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you not helping me?

I cry in my heart during the day to you, but you do not answer
many tears do I shed during the night, but I find no rest

You have saved others, and there is no way to refuse that, or my faith.
The people I have seen who have trusted you, you saved

I know that I am pathetic and have fallen to much disgrace,
People know too, and they make fun of me all the time.

"He believes that being different will save him, and is never happy like us,
so let Him have Josh, for he struggles to be different but fails anyway"
30
Lord God. What good is it if I cannot overcome my sin and I go to Hell?
Will those who have no love for You talk to You and praise You like me?

Will they try so hard, and share stories of your faithfullness?
God, be gracious to me and hear me. Save me, and help me please!
38
There is no health in my body because of my sin, I am in pain
I lay my head to the ground in worship, but my body is diseased 

My soul is tormented because of all of my affliction
Inside my heart is broken, it is bleeding because of what has happened.

I ask that you just stop my shame, and protect me from their words. They hurt.
I am ready to die. I confess my iniquity, I am sorry for my evil ways, and my sins
41
O Lord, be gracious to me; Heal me for I have sinned against you!
My old friends, those I love, and those who hate me want me gone
91
My refuge, and My fortress, My God in whom I trust
Jesus Christ, Holy Spirit, Dad...please just help me

Author's Note

It is a very painful meditation on reality. I have put a lot of my life into this. A lot of it comes from the bible, and I have left directions to go and reference the work. I used Catholic RSV 2nd edition for the referencing. The end is the most dramatic language, because it is a profound address that is very personal and therefore meaningful.

Reviews

[Heather Kendall]

Wonderful poem, but we need to keep in mind that God created you and I though His image as well He sent His One and Only Son Jesus Christ to earth so He could die on the cross for everyone's sins. He loves you no matter how many sins you made in your past He is always ready with arms open wide to forgive His children who loves Him. God cares about His children and He promises that He will NEVER leave us NOR give up on us. Please keep sharing God's Word to everyone and you will get more positive thoughts.
This poem could also be a prayer for those of us who needs it the most so thank you for sharing.
Heather Kendall
www.cometoheathersblog.wordpress.com