Doomsday Version-2

A dark epiphany..!

Wings flutter,

glass shatters

Sky Roars,

rain pours

 

Dark’s Lure,

keen & more

Sheer Yelp,

call for help

 

Hell’s arc,

surrounds dark

Peace gone,

the war is on

 

Shout and shout,

none hear you out

No place to go,

you reap what you sow

 

Light Shiver,

hope wither

Earth turns Red,

you drown in dread

 

No way out,

walk in shroud

Numerous strides,

no fast ride

 

Corpse’s heap,

fast asleep

No help came,

end of Game!

************************

 

“So go to sleep my girl,

Meet mamma after the fall.

In a place where it is safe to play,

to sing, to be, to pray..!” 

Author's Note

This a raw version of my Poem, Doomsday (http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/Jyoti_Swami/1590049/)
Constructive criticism is expected!
Hope you like it!

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

One of the great poets wrote the truth.
"Like a whisper.
like a whisper,
like a whisper.
Not with a bang, the world of man will die."
With chemical and bio. Can kill whole cities off with a sound. A powerful poem for thoughts. I pray with you. We need to lead with love, concern and kindness. If we don't. Whole world will know a dead-end. Thank you for sharing the outstanding poetry. Poetry support to make you think. This poem did.
Coyote

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

You are so right.. I am glad that my work provoked such insightful thoughts. Thank you.

[Coyote Poetry]

You did and you are welcome.

[McBear]

Same thing as I said on the first one.. The grammar is a little off. Here is a supplied fix for you :D

Wings flutter,
glass shatters.
Sky Roars,
rain pours.

Dark’s Lure,
keen & more.
Sheer Yelp,
call for help.

Hell’s arc,
surrounds dark.
Peace gone,
the war is on.

Shout and shout,
none hear you out.
No place to go,
you reap what you sow.

Light Shiver,
hope wither.
Earth turns Red,
you drown in dread.

No way out,
walk in shroud.
Numerous strides,
no fast ride.

Corpse’s heap,
fast asleep.
No help came,
end of Game!

“So go to sleep my girl.
Meet mamma after the fall.
In a place where it is safe to play,
to sing, to be, to pray..!”

[Sudeep Mishra]

Constructive criticism mode activated,
Rhyme: great,
Purport: straight,
Initials: droll,
Wind up: soul.

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you for your insightful review, Sudeep!
And keep that 'mode' on, always!

[Cassie]

You reap what you sow!!! those words flashed on me like a very blight light. I enjoyed reading.

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

I am glad you enjoyed and if my words had done such things..
Thank you.

[sinNsincerity]

I love how you write, "no fast ride," but that is exactly what it felt like at first read Jyoti.
It was like a bird pursuing down upon its prey. =D

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

I am glad to know about the different interpretation, one can make of this piece. Thank you very much for your comment.

[dexterous sam]

i didn't read many poems but you are suddenly passing the charm of poems through your mammoth imagination and enthusiasm ....how can anyone so clear about what is he going to write ....exceptional and this is EPIC

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you so very much for your encouraging commentary!

[dexterous sam]

your welcome...read out mine too

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Okay! Which one?

[closed]

this one is pretty Epic

i can see now how their is a song-like essence present here


i really like what you did with it

-Dream

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you Dream! I am glad you noticed the pattern and like it!

[closed]

youre welcome

its a great poem

[Bear]

I don't see to many quatrains in this style very often, it is nice to see someone revive it and do such a good job of it as well. Thank you for inviting me, this is was a nice surprise to read :~)

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

I am glad you liked it but I am an amateur and I didn't know I had followed any style. Thank you so much.

[wordman]

read like a rap song,loved it

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you!

[FaeryQueen]

looooooooooooooooooooove this poem!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Thank you. :)

[wordman]

you`re welcome

[Lyingwithlions]

Excellent piece of work! I love the play on words. I have to agree with Mattavelli.
It's surely a day I hope we come to avoid.

Honestly I love this game. And this does seems fitting...

It doesn't matter if you win or loose, what matters is how you played it. :)

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Indeed.
Thank you so much for the kind review. :)