Kiss the Demonness

Sapphine's secret is revealed to her partner. Will she be able to accept the truth?

Sapphine did everything right. She pushed herself to make good grades in school, ran track, and worked from home as a business analyst. She had even gotten a promotion. She got married to a beautiful, black lawyer named Demi Graves. Her mother raised her right. Her father had always been a mystery, but she knew the truth. His demon blood coursed through her veins like a ghostly river.

However, lately, a yearning stirred. She found herself needing more release than Demi could give. The life of a good person was constricting around her throat with all the morals and laws she had to follow. At first, Sapphine ignored this feeling. She did everything she could to drink it away, vacation it away, f**k it away. Nothing felt as good as when the demon hunters appeared at her front door step.

Novice demon hunters pointed their guns and blades at Sapphine in her own house. Sapphine's smile stretched impossibly wide. Her teeth morphed into fangs. Her eyes pooled with hunger so radiant, and she felt more giddy than she had in a long time. Her father's blood surged. She closed the door, and like a butterfly, she transformed into a grotesque version of herself. But she had never felt more alive. She never felt more free.

When Sapphine opened the door, she latched onto one of the demon hunters and sucked his soul. One was so frightened, they ran, but the other poor morsel faced her trembling. She clawed his face and sucked the soul from their body too.

Demi stood in the doorway, terrified. Sapphine's humanity crept into her truth. She was scared of what Demi would think as blood dripped from her lips. Sapphine's gaze softened. "I have to go." Before she could bolt away, Demi rushed over to her. Demi grabbed her hand, but Sapphine couldn't face her. "I hoped you'd never see this side of me."

Demi and Sapphine locked gazes. Demi shrugged. "It's okay. I love this part of you too." Demi kissed her lips, pushing a stray curl behind her ears and pulling Sapphine's warm skin close. Demi entwined her fingers with Sapphine’s fingers- palm to palm. "And wherever you go; I'll follow."

Reviews

[JayG]

You’re working hard. And your writing skills are good. But you’re still using the fact-based and author-centric skills we learn in school, which can only inform the reader. Use them and the reader will learn what happens, but with all the emotional content of a report. And because of that outside-in approach, far too often, because you begin reading already knowing the situation, the character, and what WILL happen, you leave out things that seem too obvious to you to mention, but which the reader needs as context to make the action meaningful.

Look at a few examples:

• “Sapphine did everything right.”

Why should anyone read on? Based on thus she wins every battle and NEVER makes a mistake. How can that seem real? It’s not your intent, but it is what you told the reader.

And, when you read this, the narrator’s voice is filled with emotion, which the reader would react to...if they could hear you. But can the reader know how you want it read? Can they hear YOUR voice? Nope.

• “However, lately, a yearning stirred.”

This is distant and dispassionate. A yearning for what? Ice Cream? A lover? A vacation? You know. Her partner may know. But the one you wrote it for? Not a clue?

What virtually all hopeful writers forget is that our goal isn’t to inform the reader, it’s to entertain. Readers aren’t seeking information. They want you to calibrate their perception of the situation to that of the protagonist in-ALL-respects. Do that, and when something is said or done, the reader, who learns of it first, will react to it as-the protagonist is ABOUT to.

Then, when the protagonist seems to be mirroring the reader’s responses, they truly become the reader’s avatar and the story turns real. Then the reader is LIVING the story, not hearing about it secondhand.

But like every profession, those of Commercial Fiction Writing—with skills under refinement for centuries—must be acquired in-addition to our school-day skills, because nothing-else-works.

The skills of fiction are emotion-based and character-centric, nearly the dimetric opposite of nonfiction. Instead of a focus on facts, it’s on the protagonist’s reaction to them.

Take an opening like: “Chuck stared into the campfire, wishing that life had a rewind button. How nice it would be to roll the clock back for even the past few days, to gain a second chance.”

1. The five opening words place Chuck at a campfire. That establishes his name and general location, for scene setting.
2. His wish for a rewind is pure emotion, and, reaction to unknown events, which is a small hook to establish reader curiosity.
3. The next sentence amplifies that. We know that something went wrong that he wishes he could change. So, it’s another hook.

That’s followed by: “A gust of wind stirred the fire, bringing the taste of wood smoke, then a shiver that the fire’s warmth was unable to quell—a reminder that the night was rapidly turning chill.”

More scene setting. But, not as stated facts from an observer. The wind gust—a fact—is instantly followed by HIS perception and reaction. We’re not TOLD he shivered. It’s presented as his reaction to the event, which places the reader with him, not in the position of a listener as a story is TOLD.

Make sense?

My point is that it’s not a matter of talent. It’s one of missing knowledge, which is fixable.

In your opening you present someone who excelled in school. And in those school-years, no one seems to have noticed anything unusual about her? Yet somehow, unknown beings you call “demon hunters,” not only know she has some connection with what you call a demon, they know where she lives. Yet...they haven’t the sense to kill her when she opens the door, before she can act?

And, first you say: “demon hunters appeared at her front door step.” But then, with no transition, it’s: “pointed their guns and blades at Sapphine in her own house.” So they go from the doorstep to inside without opening the door? Naaa.

She doesn’t notice and react, or decide anything before acting. She just follows your script, blindly, with no respect for realism, or need for decision-making. How real can she seem to the reader? How real can the others seem if they act without thought, or motivation that the reader is aware of?

In short, because you’re using your school-day report-writing skills it reads like a report. And THAT’S what you need to address.

All your life, you’ve chosen fiction that was created with the skills of fiction writing. And as you read, the tools in use, and the decision-points were invisible.

But…you did see, and enjoy, the result of using those tools. In fact, if they’re not in use, you’ll quickly turn away. Isn’t that also true of YOUR reader? Don’t you need those skills to please your reader? If the pros feel they must learn and use them, shouldn’t you?

So…try this:

Head over to Amazon and read the excerpt from Debra Dixon’s, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict. You’ll find the learning bothinteresting, and helpful.

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

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“Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”
~ E. L. Doctorow

“Drama is life with the dull bits cut out.”
~ Alfred Hitchcock

“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”
~ Mark Twain

[RKB]

Thanks for the feedback, and the recommendation. Will see if I can get my hands on that book.