Male Upgrade and a Fairy

Male behavior has become outdated and a faerie is sent to solve the problem. Fantasy and computers don't get along as well as expected and chaos ensues.

Male Upgrade and a Fairy     

 

 

What do you mean “Where’s the remote?”? It’s in the safe… just as your beer, your Playboy issue (yes, I found it under the bed, where you usually keep it) and the stereo and all other stuff that might distract your attention… No, darling, you’re very much awake.

 

Who I am is of no importance. You can call me your Fairy Godmother (and don’t even think of cracking a ‘Godfather’ joke!)

        

Why am I here? You need a tuning, baby. The 60’s are long gone. We’re in the 21^st century, honey, and that’s where your attitude should be upgraded to. Now, where did I put that CD?

    

Here it is!

 

Stop twitching, dear! This will only take a few minutes. We just need to open you up here, just behind the ear… put in the CD and start installing the new software. Aha! There we go!

 

Would you please be quiet! No, this is not “some sort of twisted dream”! I already explained it was real. Ok! Ok! Keep your pants on! You want explanations? Here you go!

 

It seems you haven’t evolved in quite a while, so I’m just giving you a little upgrade (you’re so fond of computers, you should know what I’m all about). I’m fitting you with a calendar and an alarm. Now you’ll never miss a birthday or anniversary ever again. (Of course you did, you just never realized!) The alarm is beer activated and will go off before the marker hits ‘Jerk’.

 

Stop that! You can’t just cancel in the middle of the process. Not after all the hard work that went into getting you here!

 

Here we go: second faze. We’re adding the ‘Basic Skills’ application. This should allow you to take care of most of the household work. It also includes ‘Cooking’ (which used to work pretty well before ‘Marriage’ was inserted and made it crash), ‘Cleaning up v0.5’… ‘Taking out the trash’ still crashes but I’m pretty sure we got the right activation codes for ‘Hearing the baby cry at night’ this time round.

 

Yes, your wife’s already fitted with the latest versions of these, but she needs a back-up as well. Did you think she never gets bugs?

 

Ooooooooooooh, this part is quick to install. It’s just the mechanic and technical abilities. I knew you’d like that… You’re welcome!

      

Why’s it taking so long? This is new stuff: ‘Female Psychology v5.32’. No…I’m sorry to say we still haven’t worked out all the bugs.

 

Well, don’t look at me, I didn’t design her! Besides, the faulty bits were recycled off of you anyway.

 

Well… it should tune you in to the 6 different tones a woman usually uses to state her point. It even comes with a dictionary (you know, “we need to talk” = one of us blew it – i.e. I’m trying to work around it/ you need to make it up to me… and stuff like that).

 

What do you mean misogynistic?!?!? It’s what the dictionary actually says! Well, you’ll just have to wait until the install is over. No, ‘I have a head ach’ really means ‘I have a head ach’. When related to sex, it simply implies you’re the one causing it.

 

Oh, don’t start!

 

Look, it’s almost finished. You’ll thank me when it’s over.

 

…This never happened before…

 

“Error loading new settings

 

Program failed to install due to hardware incompatibility.

 

Old version has been corrupted as well.

 

Contact Maker for support”

 

Oh, Lord! You’ve done it this time… we begged you not to go into programming.

 

Oh, well… I’ll just pop up to see the boss… Sorry for the inconvenience.

 

 

 

Reviews

[Sarshi]

Hello again, my dear! I love this story. I think it's brilliant. And I don't really agree with Suzanne Sherif's idea of making it an ad - because this way, we get to see it tested. TV ads rarely have a story behind them, since they need to present the project as perfect. At least, that's my two cents.

Btw, you've got two grammar/spelling mistakes.

"It's in the safe� just as your beer, " - "...just like your beer"
and the "head ach" should be "head ache"

Other than that, perfect :P

[Suzanne Sherif]

This is really funny, and painfully true in a lot of cases! It's too bad that the girlfriend somehow gets turned into "Mommy" right after marriage.

You could also play around with this premise quite a bit. You could try rewriting it as a fake TV ad, for instance, with a different ending.

[J.K. (Not Rowling)]

This is quite possibly the funniest thing I have read in a long time. I especially like the part where the cooking skills (or picking up the phone to order a pizza skills) crashes when introduced to the marriage software. Thank you for the laugh! Great write!