Diary entry 12/3/25

It's a Wednesday; I flit, flit, flit, unable to stay on one focus for long. 

I'm researching

Pattern Names (thinking about texture names like satin, velvet, and corduroy--thinking about Calvin)

Florida; Florida skyscrapers and cities

Skyscrapers; 'John' Q. Hammons (Jordan Valley's moving into Walgreens building for older adult care)

Moving to Florida logistics

Thinking about linguistical inaccuracies, Business, technology, who I am; who I was, and slowing down...

I'm cleaning dishes

I'm cleaning my room

I'm hanging clothes

I'm doing laundry

Setting up my TV luxeries

I need to find the infiltration of 'my' cat's permeating my room, a stench, hair globs, offending. So I need to clean my room which I was moving because:

I need to be good for my mate...[I am 'not good' like the rats nest atop my head, something needing dealt with but fixable]. What are such things with me? My room is a mess, my feelings about said room, my helpless identity permeating my room (collector's habit)

I have a pile of magazines and papers from a home improvement event, things I'm not ready to handle and things I never should have picked up but they were ne shiny temptation: I was so hungry, slobbering all over myself, I had to pick them up. Now incorporated into my identity because there is real interest in home improvement, but its not the time. I accept it because it's one of two piles, not overly offending and breathable. I must deal with it.

food (feeding myself, being able to feed him) etc.. So I need to be clean and self sufficient (capable of feeding myself). Things that can be dealt with, things I owe to him (is care and love). Things I must figure out before I join him. So I was moving my room, like pieces of me, because 

 maybe if I move it right I can keep it clean.

I worked on moving to Florida logistics last night so I don't feel the need to get right to it today, I know I could never figure it out if I got straight to it today. So I deal with my technology, getting YouTube fixed on the TV so I can research Florida. It's talking about major cities which is mildly boring (nonapplicable) so I cut to the chase and search on my computer most populous cities in Florida. Finding that doesn't tell me what I'm searching for, I switch to skyscrapers but stall because I want to know the name of one by Tampa Riverwalk: Rivergate Tower. But knowing my new tower in Florida makes me want to finally look up my tower in Springfield, Missouri: Hammons Tower! Which leads me to 'John' Q. Hammons, the eccentric creator leaving me wondering about morality of character. An article starts John Q. Hammons was a liar, and his name brings up bankruptcy. I read worriedly only to realize yes, he was a liar, but it was just harmless lies that were part of his eccentric character. I thought 'eccentric' was just a word they used for people having lots of money when it came to people having lots of money, like it couldn't have come by honest means. 'John' Q. Hammons was an eccentric liar. Bizarre unnecessary, harming no one lies, like, 'my name is John' when it's actually James or when his birthday is and even how old he is. He was a liar, but that alone does not mean bad; his bankruptcy legacy does not mean bad either. I thought it meant theft, but he robbed no one. What happened to him was actually, all his money was held up in expenditures so he couldn't make payments. The morality of his lifestyle is a deep question, he believed paying back money was a way to lose it forever so he lived in debt, but it's not him that I'm concerned about, what about the other end, the other person, doing fair business? I have relations with similar beliefs so I had to really look at it, they believe as I do in honest and just business. Owing something/someone something does not in itself do them harm. Whether they need the resources you've taken is another matter, it is honorable to see they are in good standing having done you a service. 'John' was not hurting anyone by owing money. He reduced hurt in his own life by being in debt. By not taking on a struggle of debt repayment, he was able to continue moving forward. He didn't live off anyone, he just did what he could arrange peacefully while promoting his life to the fullest extent he could. That is an honorable thing, something we all try to do. But, is living in debt honest, fair, just, good...? I think it's merely one of those slippery slopes, I care to stay clean on.

I'm organizing the stack of papers, thinning, and I noticed some notes on patterns, an old incomplete discovery of mine. So I switch to the gentle field of looking into pattern types/names. All the while, I did the dishes, but still need to cleanse my stuffy room. There's things I should be looking at, things that'll happen tomorrow (like looking into substitute teaching). 

But, who I am...finding who I am...

Is a most prominent question.

I'm realizing

For the first time,

that I just want to be a good mate, concerned with my own home.

I. I...  I.

Just want to be a good mate.

With no worry about the people--

Like I'm finally holding my heart in my own hands

And it's tinier than I thought it'd be

Just a little rabbit heart

Beating fiercely but with that solemn whisper:

'I am right, I just want to live; I am everything worthy in life. 'I love you'...'

It is innocent, it just wants to live

And for once I'm looking at my heart with the sympathy...

I have for just anyone:

For once, I feel my heart is...just anyone, a person

And I want to do Well by them

All this time I'm just struggling to find I'm a person.

And that's enough for now.

And I'm thinking...about the unfairness about desiring to get attention from people but not having the time for their own work. Something I know is wrong and it won't let me rest...