For granted...

Just a random thought reflecting on the past.

There was a beauty to life that I took for granted…I guess because I was too young to really understand. But as I grow older each and every moment, I begin to understand more and more what I’ve lost…what I can no longer get back. The beauty of life was in every little thing, that I feel still exists somewhere, but for some reason, I can no longer find. Or is it just that every beautiful thing is now masked in some case of sadness that we have to unveil to truly find? I wake up in a daze and walk the earth with no meaning, down a pathway with no real existence. Every moment I am closer to my final bed where I will finally be able to rest away from all of this madness. I know not the meaning of this existence and I see no answer in the near future. Where have I lost myself along the way and how can I find the right journey to reach myself once again? I will continue walking with my head up and shoulders back to disguise myself as normal, as happy, as found. You take for granted your childhood because you have no idea how beautiful it really is, how pure, how innocent, how oblivious. Then one day, you begin to see the world in a whole new light and wonder if the same world existed in your youth, which it did…but you were lucky and deserving enough not to understand. There was a time where my problems were so simple, yet seemed to be so big. Love followed me and found me wherever I was. Depth and meaning to life came in a simple raindrop falling from the sky. Beauty and meaning to life was found every day when I sat outside on the swing and in the grass with a book while I stared at the clouds. I used to feel overwhelming joy when I felt the sun on my skin and the fresh air on my breath.  True love escapes my fingertips even when I chase after it with all my heart. Depth keeps turning into emptiness as I lose understanding of what my purpose here is. Today, the rain is just a bad day and the clouds are just there to hide the sun. A raindrop is just a raindrop. A cloud is just a cloud. Sometimes, I still go outside to walk in the sun and try to capture just a glimpse of what I used to see, to feel just a moment of what I once used to feel, to find only a moment of peace in my insane world, but I can’t find it anywhere.  I didn't appreciate it when I had it and now I don’t know where to look. My memories fade as I look back and it only seems like a dream that is further and further away from my fingertips.  I want to turn back so bad and run as fast as I can towards the past, but time keeps pushing me ahead further and further, until one day I will look back and reach out with my wrinkled fingertips, only to realize I have lost not only what I had as a child, but what I have now, at this very moment.

Kamal Trivedi