Pain

Pain is watching time wait around to wound your heart. Your gasping at the realisation that this moment will be trivial once its spoken of. Pain is knowing no one will ever know, understand where you're coming from, if they notice. You keep switching your gaze afraid of the tears, you wanna scream, but you don't want to have to explain your behaviour, and so you keep to yourself, realising your every thought relates to this one. You try to reason your way out of your emotions, in vain, for the plummet is now a physical augmentation. You want to, need to, you have to remember happiness, but at that moment only devastation exists. Your breath rinses thin as you clearly fall apart. Your hands are cupped, barely, they tremble besides you. Your lips are shaking, your feet are numb, your very confidence is breaking to pieces and, there it is ...a strange breeze rushes down the gradient of your left cheek, your vision blurrs as you stretch your eyes a little wider, making sure that no-one is watching. You try to even out the tears knowing fully well that it never works, and so you close your eyes, desperate to seal them in thinking; you're a man, you're not supposed to cry...

Author's Note

Any and all advice/critique will be greatly appreciated, I want to grow

Reviews

[PHFASCES]

Permission to let my madness run havoc on this poem? remix type of thing. I love it. It is giving me ideas. I feel like with time you will hit poetry harder.

[Kgorometja]

Thank you, Sure go ahead

[KWP]

a spot on description of pain - I think each and every one of us can relate to your words here. I like the way you have. Writing in second person, not common and not easy to do.

I would like to see you use more 'showing' and less 'telling' - ie: use more of the five senses so the reader can feel what you are writing. For example your first sentence could be reworded to something like:

Time has gripped your heart. Wrenching and suffocating you gasp. Pain, your nemesis, watches on and laughs.

Well something like that anyway. :)

I think for a piece like this you could structure your sentences a bit shorter, giving the reader time to gather what you have portrayed.

Last thing, probably a personal thing for me - I would like to see the font bigger and justified for easier reading.

You have quite the engaging mind - so glad I have read some of your work XX

[Kgorometja]

Thank you so much for your honesty, I will do my best to show more and I'll increase the font next time I'm on a PC, thanks again 😊

[KWP]

Ahh no worries - feel free to be honest with me anytime - yes yes that's how I learn :-)
read moreAhh no worries - feel free to be honest with me anytime - yes yes that's how I learn :-)

Much love X

[Kgorometja]

Fair enough, I'll do that 😊