The Dream, Part One

Nero's adventure into the mind of a madman.

The Dream, Part One

 

Rain bellowed down upon me, slowly clotting its way through the fabric of my clothing. Causing it to grow heavy like the weight that had for so long found refuge upon my weary shoulders. I tried with all conceivable sections and pathways of my mind to forget a pain so profound and durable that it had shaped its way into something tangible, something with a texture and a frame. 

A pain only comparable to that of losing my lover to the cold grip of death’s warm embrace, but magnified by the realisation that I chose this burden.  The shivers that formed from the depth of my soul, upon these thoughts, gestured me handily back to my senses. Allowing me to regain sight of my surroundings.

The night sky was lit with the broken remnants of a fragile masquerade of the stars’ luminescent foreplay. Which now only serves as a reminder of the former insignificance to the universe for which I now long. The mask of a noticeably bleak and dull expression clung with a bitter hand to the earth, filling this tragic dawn with a frequency of sorrow too low to consciously account for. The trees stood lonesome and forced themselves to impose a sharp feeling of desperation and creeping panic. Hollow tombs wrapped lightly with thick velvet sheets that seemed as if to mock my every attempt to thin the atmosphere. Despite my fears I forced myself onward deeper into this garden of the deceased, where she now resides with the rest.

Strangled by a lack of words, as the chilling air steals the breath from my lungs like our first kiss, I stumble towards a particular piece of masonry. Nothing in this feeble existence is of any importance to me. Other than to physically and spiritually let my body be thrown to the impatient claws of grief. I fall down on my knees and present what’s left of my tormented and distorted excuse of a soul before my love.

Author's Note

Another new one :) Hope you like, Please review :D I'd like to hear what you think

Reviews

[Tai Ryens]

I tend to get lost in the metaphors and intricate adjectives you use here (could be that I am only in my youth), but I enjoyed it. Your phrasing makes it difficult to concentrate, for instance: one second, I am lost in the dream with the protagonist (or at least I assume so) with heavy clothes and gloomy skies, then a well-thought out metaphor continues on and I am lost in my own thoughts about many more poetry lines and metaphors it reminds me of in place of your writing. I would suggest toning down the complex style, unless of course you are aiming for a poetic book.

[Thomas Reilly Thornhill]

I think it will indeed be considered a poetic book. We felt that with the effort and time we are putting into creating it, why not have the reader take time to understand the emotions we are trying to convey. I could go into a philosophy lesson on it but I'll save you that haha :)

[Tai Ryens]

No need for a lesson; I'm well educated on that concept.

[Rhea752]

poetic, i really love your vocabulary. the way you phrase your sentences are great. i like the dream so far. keep it up!!! :D

[Xerclipse]

Very poetic and Well written. Some sentence structure could be revised but its good other than that. All of that imagery due to love

[Tattered Teddy]

I love your phrasing and exquisitely crafted details. Very well done.

[Sylvana]

Some of your sentences, especially your second one in this chapter, seem to run-on and can be split into smaller sentences. If you do this, it would be easier to read. Other than that I love your poetic way of writing. (: