Lonely Fog

Short story i just wrote

The Sedan crept out of the night’s thick fog and into the dim-lit parking lot like a vivid hallucination from the brain of an addict.  A middle-aged gentleman leaned against one of the light posts closest to the park’s trail.  The air around him was frigid and intense, and bit at his ears and nose.  The car slowed and finally stopped once it nearly touched the man’s knees.  He uncrossed his legs and stood upright in response to the opening door.  “You Cesar?” He asked as the man stepped from the car.  The other man only replied with a simple nod. A nameless baseball cap hid his facial features, and he was dressed even lighter than the man he came to meet, wearing a pair of beat-up jeans and a windbreaker to protect against the late winter chill.  “The name’s Bill.” He said as he rubbed at his legs from within his pockets.

            “Hell of a night to bury a body eh?” The other said nothing.  It was the time of night that bordered very early morning, the time when the world around is either asleep or dead.  “Might as well show you where the hole is” Bill continued and turned toward the trail close by.  During the daylight hours, the state park was relatively serene and peaceful.  Once the sun fell past the horizon however, it was as different as two sides of a coin. Dark and frightening, it gave off a feeling like one would get in an old abandoned graveyard.  Such a feeling came with good reason: many victims of organized crime had been buried here, and tonight was no different.  Bill had been asked by the city’s major syndicate to meet this gentleman here to help dispose of a body.  It was considered an even trade for an unpaid debt.

            The main trail wound around the state park like a giant serpent, looping and turning left and right, but never once forking with the exception of a few deer trails.  Bill stopped abruptly in front of one such minor off shoot and turned.  “It’s right up this way a couple feet.  Once I show you the spot I’m done.  We’re good.” Cesar still said nothing.  “All I’m saying is remember how to get back is all.”  With that he started up the small path with Cesar right behind.  The make shift grave didn’t take long to find.  It rested between three pine saplings, with a spade stabbed into a pile of loose earth next to the hole.  Bill turned to Cesar again.  “Well that’s it then.  It’s over, so give my regards to your boss.  You think you’ll find your way back okay?”

            Cesar finally replied.  “Shouldn’t be too hard.  I only have to go back once.”  Before the statement could register with Bill, Cesar drove a knife right into his throat and pulled it down to the tip of his chest.  He laid Bill’s body in the open grave, showering the corpse with fresh earth.  After firmly patting the soft soil down, he slung the spade over his shoulder, and began his lonely walk back through the night’s fog.

Reviews

[Winslow Des Totes]

Wonderful use of similes/metaphors and great twist at the end!! :D Great job!!

[Deanarrlack]

Liked this. Silly question maybe, but, is it purposely really stretched out? As in the actual words lol, or is that just my computer resolution...Anyway.

I like flash fiction alot, and its hard too evoke much, and you do paint a nice little image. I see Boris Karloff and Peter Lorre here for some reason. Who knows why. I liked it.

Cheers, Danny

[James Watts]

The Sedan crept out of the night’s thick fog and into the dim-lit parking lot like a vivid hallucination from the brain of an addict.( this is a good sentence, but to make it cleaner I would rewrite just a bit:

The Sedan crept out of the thickening fog and into the dim-lit parking lot like a vivid hallucination from the brain of an addict. See how that reads a bit cleaner.)

“Might as well show you where the hole is” (need a comma after is.)

Once I show you the spot I’m done. (comma after spot.)

Other than that, nice write.

[Constance-Outspoken]

Nice... I imagined the thoughts that would come to a man upon realizing he has just dug his own grave. Your descriptions are lucid. The scene was painted very well considering the length of the piece. You made me want to read more of you...