Thank You For Writing

I had this fantasy in my dreams, I thought I was awake ...

and you were actually tangible. A person any woman would want to have. You were a real man, who made me his priority

No matter what,  you were always there, someone I could count on.

In my dreams, you were my rock, acknowledging my needs, my strengths.

The biggest thing of all, you paid attention to me.

You were a mature man, strong and dependable, so unselfish, so giving. You weren't self absorbed, stubborn and arrogant. You were actually the person I thought you were in the very beginning, on the first day we met .

And though I’ve spent more time fantasizing about you

then being with you, thank you for allowing me to indulge myself in my fantasies of you.

It's been such a long time since I've felt  like I was "In Love", or even thought I could love.

I always thought in order to feel love in it's entirety- you need to be loved in it's entirety. It's like a verb, it takes action not just feelings.

Even though we really had no beginning, there sure was an end...several of them!

Oh, it's not so hard anymore, all I have to do is live.
Close my mind, breathe, walk and talk ...but never feel.

 

The most important part of this dream was, I would have given back to you so much in return if you could have given your love.

More than you could have ever expected.

My unconditional love, my admiration and respect.

All the support and encouragement  that you would have ever dreamed possible. That is,  had your heart been fully engaged with mine.

___________________________________________

I was very surprised to get your letter last month.

I wasn't expecting one. In the past you always ignored my letters or responses. Therefore, I was shocked that you actually thought of me that day,  and took the time to write to me. Was it just your way of getting back? A little tease?

I did answer you back though…immediately. That's just the way I am.

___________________________________________

It seemed to me you were only seeking yourself, what you wanted, what you needed without giving it in return.

And so...

I retire to my lonely bed alone, lying next to a side that's empty and bare... no one sleeps there anymore.

Laying my head on a pillow, next to an empty space...

a lonely place with no familiar scent of another.

No one to share my tears...my fears. 

Not wanting to die alone, fearful no one will ever whisper my name once more.

But...I accept reality. I have to. I outgrew the girl I left behind

that rebellious woman who refused to walk the yellow brick road. Although every once in a while I see a flicker of her.

 

Now, when I look in the mirror, I  see a face that's lined with a few new wrinkles that weren't there yesterday. A little grey  here and there. I find it so surprising that it's me! That  I'm that older woman staring back at me.

Now,  I want peace and tranquility. Fun yes, but no squabbles, no fighting.  I'll always be outspoken, but I want love not war.

But, it is what it is, isn't it?

And so...

As Rhett Butler would calmly say to Scarlett;

“Frankly, my dear I don’t give a damn”

 

I've learned what good would it do to care?

I've also learned I guess I really don't give a damn either...

              Well, not so much anymore.

               But am I telling myself a lie?

                I don't know...do you?

 

 

                                  By LadeeAnne C/R:Anne P Murray 2009