Death of an Immortal

Something to give thought to.

 

Death of an Immortal

 

 

 

Surrounded by this flood of blood,

Encompassing what I have become.

Baptized and bedamned, this fetid tide.

I, fetus, flushed with finality.

Delivered from womb to the tomb

I have lived this miniscule undeath,

For if one is not born, can one die?

An infant captured in infinity.

 

 

Legion

22AUG08

Reviews

[LadyLove]

Geez! That one hurt! I think you will have many answers to that question; for those who choose to flush away never consider the life known of yet unseen. And those who know the unseen is there consider it as alive. It's an emotional subject and given to debate with your question. I say where there is a heart there is life. But to some it is a best forgotten immortal who never had a chance to be in their hearts. I think where you stand on this shows clearly. Life is precious!

[Kaara]

I'm not sure I have a review to make here, only to find a way to express the tears that flow reading this. The politics of this issue are something I struggle with a lot, but the humanity and pain of it are indelible.

[Tena Luvs]

My goodness powerful and.beautiful

[Nemesis G]

Wow that was intense to say the least, fantastically written,
"For if one is not born, can one die?" This line definitely had me thinking.

[Deidre]

Wow.. Definitely something to dwell on.

[Fabian G. Franklin]

I think life exists unborn...indeed, it must, to be born. That which is not part of this world is often scorned, even God in Spirit form. Wasn't that the revelation of Christ; that we only believe that the flesh has life? So he sacrificed his flesh; our spirits to clean, and prayed, Father, forgive them; we who know not what we are doing. But I like this poem!

[ah]

I don't think the first sentence is a sentence.

"Baptized and bedamned, this fetid tide." is not a sentence.

"Bedamned" is not a word.

You cannot have "encompassing" present tense and "flushed" past tense.

I think it would be smoother if you had not put punctuation after "tide" and took out "I" and placed "flushes" before fetus (redundant "I" also is involved).

"Baptized and be-damned, this fetid tide
flushes fetus with finality."

Maybe end the writing with "I am an infant captured in infinity." if taking my advice and release the writing of the other "I" mentioned previously in review?

Other than that, this is an excellent writing and very thought provoking.

I really enjoyed the imagery and word play. I like the flood of blood and womb to the tomb phrases a TON.

[Sean M. Addams]

wow a very dark and deep piece .... imagery was great in this... overall i liked this alot .. awesome job on this!!!

[Cool Handless Luke]

Wow! That's vivid and heartwrenching. Very nicely detailed! Thank you for pointing this one out to me. I look forward to checking out the other one as well!

[LSS]

Legion,
What a nail's head you've hammered, the point well driven, accurately fixing the bill on the wall of today's humanity. How else to explain the unexplainable without revealing reality using the truth. You are always one to explain so much in so few words - well done and thank you from the lips of those not able to speak.
Lar

[Tabitha Dings]

The imagery is amazing. It brings me to really put myself in the place of the unborn child. Amazing. Another thing that should be posted for everyone to see. Too bad not everyone gets on Writer's Cafe. Beautiful and smoothly written. Love it! Heh