Deep Goddess (Completed)

Co-authored by the Unfinished Poem (Deep Goddess) contest winner Adrian K. Smith. Kudos to him.

Deep Goddess

 

1.
Fear rolled down her face
At what she saw;
At what she did.
Her arms stretched out above
Facing the moon;
Pulling it down,
To hold it in her hands.
How she caressed the night
And peered right through it.
I fell upon my knees
In silent prayer,
But she still caught the sound.

 

2.

She snarled at the intrusion,

Dropping the knife,

Dropping the heart,

The still beating broken heart,

Ripped from his chest,

Torn from his soul,

His essence bled dry,

Her eyess burned into me,

And sucked the life from me,

I could not move,

Could not scream,

And she moved slowly toward me.

 

3.

I cringed with each step she took,

Unable to stand,

Unable to flee,

Frozen in place awaiting my fate,

Knowing I was done,

Nothing I could do,

She stood there before me,

A cold smile from her lips,

Her eyes turned ice blue,

She said I love you,

She said I want you,

But I never saw the knife in her hand.

 

Adrian K. Smith & Legion

29OCT08

Author's Note

I gave Adrian first billing because most of the poem is his. My part was the first stanza which inspired the poem and the rest was his work. Brilliant. Just brilliant. Once again, kudos to Adrian (as well as all those who participated). :)

Reviews

[Linda Marie Van Tassell]

In reading this poem out loud, I just loved the sound of it. The intonation of your words is wonderful; and for some reason, it reminded me of Kwaidan - a series of four tales in which terror thrives and demons lurk. In particular, it reminded me of the second story, The Woman of the Snow. Set in a forbidden forest, it tells of a poor woodcutter lost in a snowstorm with a friend. Taking refuge in a shack, the pair collapse from exhaustion. But when the woodcutter awakens, he discovers a mysterious ghost-like woman blowing her icy breath over his friend's body and killing him. Spotting the woodcutter, the deadly phantom takes pity on him and spares his life. But in doing so, the woman warns him that he must never repeat, to anyone, what he has seen.

Ten years pass. The woodcutter is a happily married man with three children. His wife, praised by the community as an ideal of patience and beauty, doesn't appear to age. Yet, so secure is our hero in his family that he's prepared to tell his wife about the mysterious woman who nearly brought his life to an end.

But is this wife truly who she seems to be? Is she somehow connected with the icy succubus whose path he crossed years before?

The ending is much the same as that of your poem.

Great job!

Linda Marie

[Patrick]

seem to have been written a while back - a reminder to me as to how many great writers there are around. astonishing work to you both

[Fanciful Goddess]

Amazin! Brilliant!!!

[Thinker1]

I liked it a lot. The over all sound of it was great. It was very well writen, and I wish I had half of you ability!

[Lorenn]

The title drew me in - the imagery kept me there and I kneeled along with you. The collarboration was seamless. This is a poem to be read again and again.

[LipglossKiller]

This is stunning. Great visuals and very intense. Something you just want to read over and over.

[Katchzen]

Ooo. Very nice. I couldn't tell this was by two different authours until I got to the note.

"I fell to my knees in silent prayer, but she still caught the sound." My favourite line.

[Clockwork]

I really like the collaboration. Your words and Mr.smith's mix fluidly together and form quite a gripping piece. A job very well done.

[Meredith Leigh]

I thought it was very pretty.
Great work!

- Kriss

[Last Lying Look]

This is an amazing & beautiful piece.
I love this style of writing.
The intensity is thrilling & greatly interesting.
Love it.
Adding it to my favorites.
-Elissa :)

[StrawberryDream]

That's so weird... I've written a story alot like the final stanza of your poem!
But I love how even when you do something fairly ordinary, like the part about the still beaten broken heart being ripped from the chest, you push it a level beyond. :)