After midnight

I mumble her name

You pretend it is yours

Choking on gasps of pleasure

Extinguishing the flame

 

I know that you feel

How deep she is under my skin

By breaking my ribs with fingers

She is the one you’re trying to kill

 Frozen skin on my scrawny knees

A prickly tongue on my thigh

Transparent blood in your eyes

Your warm pale lips sting like bees

 

I love you more than

                               Her

 after midnight. 

(I only tell lies.) 

Reviews

[Charlotte Acrobat]

Jesus f*****g Christ. Love it.

Although, I'd finish with this:

By breaking my ribs with fingers
She is the one you’re trying to kill

In my opionion, it's the strongest sentence and I like to sweep people off their feet with the stingy end.

[Ina Waltz]

actually, I wrote that in the end. 3 was 2 and 2 was 3, but I didn't want it to end as 'she is bitter and jealous'. It's more like 'she is sad and full of love for me even though I love someone else', you know? It felt, in a way, that if I finished it with a bad side of her, she would be imagined as a jealous person that's seeking some sort of revenge towards the other person. I don't know...it just didn't feel right. On the other hand, I wanted to express how I feel a form of adoration for her and how intensely I feel about her, trying to convince her and me that I love her more. Maybe I put too much of myself in the things I write; it's a thing I do these days, I suppose.

[Charlotte Acrobat]

Morally wise, your way is better. Art wise, I think it's better the original one. (That's the thing I love about artistic writing - it doesn't have to reflect the reality. You can lie sometimes in order to make the poem hit one's very core. Nobody knows her identity here.)

I'm a bad influence, don't listen to me. :)

[Ina Waltz]

yes, you are :P jk

They don't, but I do. I feel responsible for the pain I'm causing (in 'real' life) and it reflects on my writing. (that's so wrong, I know)
I'm so moral *sigh* haha