Muddled MInd

Muddled Mind

My mind feels fuzzy,

unsure how we arrived

at this state of dysregulation.

A slip,

a slide--

in this journal, I confide.

Emotions spilled out:

the panic.

And before I could stop myself,

I yelled,

“I’m scared!”

Afraid of drowning in my car,

no way to force the door ajar.

An inner death,

devoid of breath.

That fear-

that undignified desperation to live,

a gulp of air,

a whispered prayer-

has haunted me.

It trails behind my car as I drive,

walks beside me in my dreams,

holds my hand, it seems-

especially today.

Parked in front of the pond,

a friend beside me,

what should’ve been an ordinary scene

turned into something

raw and mean.

I shifted into reverse,

ready to pull away-

but instead, I rolled forward,

inching closer

to that watery grave.