I have died a thousand times

free verse poem

I have died a thousand times

in my father’s disappointed eyes.

One thousand and one this time,

killed by the hand of pride.

I counted one thousand and two 

when I watched you leave,

left a note at one thousand and three:

I hope your sorrow dies with me.

Author's Note

As always, I'm eager for honest feedback (and this time I'm particularly concerned with the flow).

Reviews

[JamesTleBourn]

Dannnnggggggggg, Laviari! I love this! I could've been satisfied with a free verse, anaphoric poem. But, of course you had to through rhyme in made it so much better! I loved (or am saddened by) the theme of this poem. VERY well written, Levariari!

James

[@_av_poetry]

This is a short but impactful poem. A lot of meaning in a few words. I like that and I think it definitely takes some talent to accomplish that. Nice one.

[kitty]

Your individuality is awesome. Thank you for bringing flavour to the site!

[Wayfaring stranger]

I like minimalistic form and precise lines. Words are like pieces of whole mosaics which make poem very complete. Meaning for me is not just suicadal note but also transformation and find new your self again. To became more stronger and open to the world. On free verse is beautiful you can find any meaning what you want. Very nice write .

[Leviari]

Thank you and I love your interpretation!

[Ted Kniffen]

Well, as you can see Leviari, if you want constructive criticism you have come to the right site. Jacob and John have both given you sound advice, which it seems you used to your advantage, although I did not read the first version of this.
The brevity of your poem adds to the emotional feel of the piece. I agree with John, this reads as a suicide note...and there is nothing wrong with that...I like the idea of the count...4 steps to achieve whatever the protagonist has in mind.
I'm not sure I would consider this free verse because of the structure...there is a rhyming feel to this...even employing a bit of slant rhyme...the flow is good...I like it.

Overall...a good write.

[Leviari]

Hello! Yeah both John and Jacob really helped me out:) thank you for commenting!!

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Firstly these couplets read as a suicide note to me. It is a sombre toned piece depicting someone reflecting the power of a father's disapointment and consequential failings. So far as flow is concerned Jacob is a master of short form minimalistic allegorical poetry. I would consider some changes thus, knowing your first language is not English and that I can only write English (poorly).

I have died a thousand times
in my father’s disappointed eyes.
(This to me is a perfect opening stanza as it says this is a theme that haunts the protagonist. The rest I would have as follows. But as Jacob advises this is YOUR poem)

One thousand and one this time,
killed by the hand of pride.

One thousand and two
when I watched you leave,

So I left a note at one thousand and three
and hope your sorrow dies with me.

I hope this is constructive.

[Leviari]

That's exactly the kind of critics I was hoping to get! Thank you very much. I adjusted a few things here and there and I like it so much better. Thank you again and yes, definitely very constructive! :)

[jacob erin-cilberto]

interesting perspective...it's almost as if the first stanza is from the son's pen...and the rest from the father's....there could be disappointment of father in son that turns into disappointment of the father in himself and how he expected too much of the son...expected him to be like himself...
for flow...i might have cut a few words..the "I was" in 4th line...the "I" in fifth line...
and the "I" in the seventh and eighth lines...read a bit smoother to me with a bit of the unnecessary wording eliminated...but it is your poem...those are just suggestions, since you asked for them.
but it is a fine poem...and allows us a couple directions.
j

[Leviari]

I am so grateful for your review! My first draft was more similar to what you suggested, but I added the personal pronouns because I was afraid it wasn't grammatically correct. So thank you very much for helping me make up my mind. I retouched a little my poem and it feel much better now. Thank you for your helpful insight!

[jacob erin-cilberto]

'tis definitely smoother...but I already had liked it much...glad i could help a little.
j.