Head or Heart

This is about the struggle of somebody with mental issues that have formed a habit. Specifically what happens when they have to choose between a loved one's feelings and the need to feel better.

You have brought so much
into my life.
You have helped me understand
the healthy way to think.
You've helped me to have dinner
and to keep my skin closed.
You have brought love to me,
which no one has done before.

But I crave the cool edge being
dragged across my skin.
I crave the warm streaks and
the numbing that it brings.
I need that feeling of
cold towards the end of the session.

You have helped me understand that
I am worth it.
You have made me see that
children deserve love.
You've forced me to
see the abuse I have endured.

But I want that feeling of an
angry growling stomach.
I miss that feeling of
Triumphant nausea.
I need the dizzy that says
I'm losing weight.
The comfort that someday
I won't be fat.

You teach me to love myself.
You teach me to see.
However

I need some control.