Sif's Ode

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sif

It was like seeing myself

from a great distance. Smote.

a giant oaken tree a-lit by lightning,

split in twain. But because I wear

the right skin, because I have hydrated

in anticipation of a God's electric

affection: I do not burn up, not

entirely, not all in an instant.

Instead, I smolder slowly,

my blue-gray exhale

a signal fire in the wilderness

which you can follow,

being such a good study

in geography; the peaks and

valleys of my own landscape

laid barren, parched. I can

make the desert in you

lush. In flood, I can levy

the river. I can make love using

words, he said. And from eyelashes

fell stars I wished on for my

whole entire childhood.

 

 

Reviews

[W.R. Singleton]

I was really attracted to this poem. It felt very surreal and yet reflective on a personal level at the same time. There are some really great lines in this piece. The only problem I had with it was the way the lines were arranged. I liked the word usage but the flow just didn't seem quite right. I left a few suggestions. I hope you don't mind. Normally I don't impose myself on other's work but I felt that there was some great potential in these words. There were a couple of places that the poem felt broken, and a place or two with odd word placement or arrangement. If you find my input useful, please let me know. If not, I'll know not to stick my nose out quite so far next time. :)

cheers

WRS

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It was like seeing myself from a great distance. Smote, a giant oaken tree a-lit by lightning
split in twain.
But because I wear the right skin,
because I have hydrated in anticipation
of a God's electric affection, I do not burn up -
not entirely, not all in an instant.
Instead, I smolder
slowly, my tawny-blue exhale
a signal fire in the wilderness
which you can follow,
being such a good study in geography;
the peaks and valleys of my own landscape
laid barren (and) parched.
I can make the desert in you lush.
In (a) flood, I can levy the river.
I can make love using words, he said.
And from eyelashes fell stars I wished (up)on
for my whole entire childhood.

"a-lit" seems awkward, perhaps "aflame" or something similar

"for my whole entire childhood." also feels awkward, but just in the arrangement of words. Perhaps something like "throughout my entire childhood"