I Waited for a Long Time

I wanted to rise.
I waited.
I wanted some good days.
I waited.
I wanted love�"
Scorching like sunlight,
Yet soft like moonlight.
I waited.
I wanted good souls,
Good love.
Wanted a country home
That felt like home.
I waited.
I wanted a cozy little bookshop.
I waited.

I’ve gone through so many things.
I even wanted suffering.
And so,
I waited.
I wanted bleeding death,
Deaths like deluxe editions�"
Bound in velvet pain,
Numbered in silence.
I waited.
I waited even when I should’ve gone.
I wanted cruelty.
I wanted rebirth.
I wanted to tear apart the earth
Like a madman tears paper�"
To leave no edge unburned.
I wanted to exist to an extreme point.
I wanted to build.
I wanted to sit and talk.
So I waited.

I wanted to feel
The feelings of humans�"
Wanted empathy,
Wanted sympathy.
I wanted to sit with railway porters,
To sit with the laborers,
To ask them,
“Do you feel life?
Or just survive it?”
I wanted a round-table tea
With people who never walked
Where I’ve drowned.
I wanted.
I waited.

I...

I became the skeleton of longing.
Salt in my bones, tides in my chest,
Time gnawed me down
To a silence that floats.
And now�"
Here I sit,
In a chair no longer mine,
In a sea that never asked my name.

The clouds no longer warn,
The sky no longer speaks.
The world moved on,
And I?
I didn’t want much.
I didn’t want everything.
I only wanted the things
Every soul deserves.
I can't float without purpose.
I never cared for judgment,
Yet I grieved�"
Deeply.

I wanted to scream so loud,
To burn the silence,
To show them the meaning,
And the rests of life.
I wanted to scream
Till my throat tore open,
Till the sound was gone.
I wanted tragedy.
I wanted pain.
I wanted love.
I wanted life.

Then,
I floated.
I tried to speak�"
But even my breath had left.
And I drowned.

And still…
I waited.

And maybe the cruelest truth is:
The universe does not rush.
It does not bend for ache or hope.
It does not come closer
Because you waited.
It only moves
When you do.