I stand in the rain...

Cute yet sad poem...

 

I stand in the rain

Soaked to the bone

Because there you stood

And you stood and you shone.

 

I stand in the rain

With a smile so bright

To see you there

You woke up my night.

 

I stand in the rain

Not feeling the cold

Because you had come

Just as you told.

 

I stand in the rain

Staring at you

With my big blue eyes

And the rest of me too.

 

I stand in the rain

With tears in my eyes

You had come back

You had told no lies.

 

I stand in the rain

When the sun starts to shine

You’re fading away

Along with the time

 

I open my eyes

I'm asleep in my bed

Yet there you we’re

Just like you said.

 

Author's Note

Does it flow okay?

Reviews

[Mandamisfit]

wow that is an amazing poem. it flows very well and is understanding in a way that i guess not many see.

[Chris T.]

It flows fairly well, yes. I would say the line "and you stood and you shone" could be edited to maybe say something like "you stood there and shone"; The double "and you" breaks up the rhythm a little bit.

Second to last line, should be "were" not "we're", just a small grammar thing.

It flows yes, it reads well, you have some good imagery, but I would like to see some more emotion in this piece if you can work it in. It is an excellent foundation to do something like that with the whole underlying "dream" theme, so that is just something to think about.

Overall, the more I read it over, I do definitely enjoy the dream theme that permeates the entirety of this piece. Gives it an extra layer of depth that the imagery can play off of. Good job.