the awaken rested

The awaken rested

 

“The only moments left are they that are un-noticed, till they are seen for the first time in your last moments.” -Lord Von

 

Not remembering if you chose your clothes or how you got ready; simply moments of helpless clarity. Sometimes I become aware setting in the view of family functions. Mostly I am awake and aware during the night always tempted to cry out from not knowing were I am. I no longer cry out, I no longer try to speak, I no longer cry, I no longer attempt to understand, or make eye contact with anyone. My mind has rebelled against me, changing my body into a secure unescapable cage. After I realized high emotions cause longer memory gaps and hard to remain my mental self I now only  listen. The hardest is still the night, my wife sleeps next to me mere millimeters away. I feel her rhythmic breathing, her gentle heartbeat, her lovely quite snore she never admitted she had. I stay for her, I wait for her, how can I go before her? No man should abandon his family or the woman of his dreams. At first it was worse; hearing her say to me what she said and no way to reply with comfort. “I love you” she says, when talking to me about her day or all the joy we made together. The only way to not cause a stroke from trying to break free just to touch her hand, say “Ill always love you.” I pictured the flower she always was to me; the blue rose meaning miracle. I pictured it growing in the sunlight while she talked during the day, during the night I pictured a grassy meadow with my blue rose. The wind so gentle it caused fireflies reason to land on or near the rose. Every day the rose was nurtured by the attention and joy it received. Today it was the tears that truly awoke me; she always used a new way to block the tears. She always took me places were good things always happened. Here there was no joy, here it always rained, here was the one place I hid from. She was there inches away, without sleep, without her heart keeping rhythm, without the gentle snore she never had. At first it was hard to be absent of the rose, now the one natural miracle my life tended upon was before me without me.