Harbored Hurt

I realized today 

I still harbor hurt 

from childhood trauma 

from my father's outbursts

I want to move on 

but every time I try 

I turn back to substances 

to quiet my aching mind

Is there a hack?

please tell me now 

I can't seem to grasp it 

feel my time running out 

I'm still that same kid 

trapped in a house 

with shouting and cursing  

can still taste the tears in my mouth 

God, I'm so over 

talking about this s**t

thinking and dealing and pondering and reliving 

why can't I just erase it?

scrub it clean 

new bill of health 

die and become anew 

shed the skin and spread my wings 

oh, how I wish that was something we could do.