Star Trek

A work in progress, and critiques always welcome.

My father wasn't omniscient,

he slipped his vhs tapes

into the VCR

with every episode of Star Trek

that aired,

stacked them in rows

beside the analog tv

for when we'd need them

in the future. He wasn't omnipotent -

couldn't make himself move any faster

to catch every show

as he'd planned -

and so, the tail end of Enterprise's voyage

would sweep our screen

every now and then. He wasn't omnipresent

like his cigar smoke,

but hopeful in his choice of shows.

Not enough to stave the impulse

to preserve,

knowing the star-date's database ensured a record

of our culture,

but enough to store them

on devices that sat side by side

with his hope,

his image as we would remember him,

as if he knew, as if he knew.

Author's Note

A work in progress, and critique always welcome.

Reviews

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I can critique - though I'll keep it constructive, if that's cool.

I think the bones of what you've got here are great - I find this kind of work (semi-autobiographical, honest and odic, raw, real) to be some of the hardest for me to write. Trying to explore our earliest relationships in a way that's both truthful, and that doesn't do disservice to how important they are to us, is incredibly difficult.

'To the Lighthouse,' by Virginia Woolf, is the opus of that in my mind - many aren't partial to the classics but I've never seen it done better by any other author.

As for your bones, you've got some great motifs here - the VCR, Trek, the motive behind recording & replaying - those are all really juicy and I think there's a lot of potential in them.

Where you lose me, at least a little, is in the delivery of your primary theme - your father wasn't omnipotent, he couldn't predict your future, though he maybe tried. That message should cut through your other motifs like an arrow into a bullseye. And though I think you drew a good shot, I feel the delivery of that central idea could maybe be developed a little bit.

(your ending and opening are what I'd focus on - your theme should ring clearer then your imagery).

That said, as a reader I'm super engaged - it's clear you're looking to bleed this out, and I think there's no more admirable a pursuit for us as writers, or poets for that matter, than to tell a truth from the parts of our lives that are painful.

Really enjoyed, and would love to see you grow here as you continue to write. Well done.

[JustPlainHere]

Thank you very much for this well-thought-out review. This was kind of a new way of writing for me, so this was very helpful. I have some things to think about now. As well as some new ideas.