Sixteen Messages

A poem

It’s eight in the morning

I’m having trouble forming

Thoughts, I’m caught

Inside my own head

Smoking a cigarette, I still have yet,

-to settle into bed

 

I’m already started

Drinking, my mind further sinking

I try to stop thinking

About you leaving in your car

But it’s hard

Especially between two AM

And the opening of the bar

 

The bed’s unmade, the bills unpaid

A notice on the door

But I lack conviction, bring the eviction

I don’t want to live here anymore

 

Beep.

Sixteen new messages,

-waiting on the machine.

But I’m drinking the rest of this,

So I turn off the stupid thing.

 

A knock on my door, a friend says they’re worried.

They know I hurt, but I have to work

I’ll lose my job if I don’t hurry.

But I sit and stare,

I go nowhere, the friend decides to leave.

I’ve lost my will, to move or feel

Or even try to breathe.

 

The dishes sit in a rancid pit

That used to be the sink

I think…

I really can’t be certain.

The view outside, I try to hide

Behind a makeshift curtain,

-of blankets I nailed over the view

Because I burnt the ones you bought

They reminded me of you.

 

There’s cracks upon the glass

Of all our photographs

Of you when you were with me,

I ripped them down, after I failed to drown

Myself in a bottle of whiskey

 

A few days pass, and at last

There comes another knock

But they have a key

I come to see

As the door becomes unlocked

 

But I don’t move or look

I really don't even care

My friend walks in

I stay sitting in my chair

 

Silent, unmoving

As my friend gets his viewing

-Of the mess inside my apartment

The dirty clothes, the broken chairs

The stains of booze on the carpet

 

I don’t try to fight, it’s too late at night

I’ve had too much to drink

He says I need to leave

I need to breathe.

Get some fresh air, we’ll go somewhere

and leave this f*****g chair.

 

He takes me out, we get something to eat.

The entire time, I can feel his eyes

Bearing into me.

 

“I know it’s hard, you loved her, man,

-but you have to move on.”

He says, but I simply shake my head.

“I need to leave,” I suddenly scream

“I’ve been gone for far too long!”

 

He grabs me then, I shake again

I try to look away.

But I can’t retreat, he then repeats

What I haven’t been able to say.

 

“She’s dead! She’s dead!

And nothing will bring her back!”

I shake and cry, because I can’t deny

What I’ve known to be a fact.

 

I crumble to the street, and lean against the wall

My friend hands me a smoke,

And tears begin to fall.

 

She’s dead, she’s gone, I’m truly alone

I realize and try to breathe,

There’s sixteen messages on the machine,

But sixteen she didn’t leave.

Author's Note

Okay, new poem. About the darkest moment in my life. Things didn't get better right away after this. In some ways they got worse. But this is the moment I broke out of denial. I spent a lot longer trying to move on, though. Either way, let me know what you think ^^

Reviews

[Kelsey]

This is so deep, so powerful. I love that you're so open about what's happened in your life and what you've gone through, it really proves how strong you are. You've been through so much, things I couldn't imagine having to deal with personally. While some people can relate, I truly believe we don't know how someone feels unless we're simply them. I can't imagine how you felt during these times, but reading what you write gives me a good enough idea to know that you're a strong person. I tell you this a lot, but you're an inspiration, and you deserve to be reminded of it. You deserve to know that you've done and been through the unthinkable, and you've gotten through it all, and that, my friend, is something to be proud of. Your writing is powerful, you have a gift. You're a good person, I hope you know that. Your words, both through our messages and your writing, have helped me to realize a lot. Thank you for that. Keep writing, and stay strong. You're living proof that things do get better.

[MachinaWriter]

I'm glad I could have helped in some way. That means a lot to me. You deserve good things, and it can get better. It won't be easy, but you can do that.