NOSTALGIA

work in progress, constructive criticism always welcome

 

Crowd me,

Crowd me with the ghosts of

My ancestors,

Earth me down to ancient bones,

To asleep forevers,

short-lived and

wood-scented

and hushed.

Crowd me with ghosts.

I need rivers of old blood,

So I can come home.

 

 Now, when I run back,

River them down to my gut.

I need all my single losses soaked.

 

 

If you hear of me,

now,

episodic

and

broken,

you would surely

know

that

I am elapsing,

in miles

and in memories,

 

I am frantic,

 and faithless,

and

 lost.

 

Which is the sign,

agreed on

before births,

for you to harbor

in me past,

 

 

 

migrate with me there,

the backyard of

grandparents,

whose hands

and nose

and sorrows

I

overgrow

 

 

 

 

 

Now that I am bare

and nameless

root me to them

 

 

with the mercy

of tracing

back

 

 

 

us

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

alone

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And then, when you've finally found me

and crowded my skull

with my tribe,

 

 

take your gun,

 

 

faithfully,

 

 

smiling,

 

 

emracing me,

 

blooming with warmth.

 

 

Take it,

 

lovingly,

 

 for the last time,

 

 

 

point it at me,

 

 

shoot.

 

 

 

 

Extingush tribal

 

fires,

 

haunt ghosts,

 

dance them out

 

Till the last one.

 

 

 

I've come home.

 

 

 

Reviews

[Glen Yumang Manese]

I would say this is a final draft...but not quite a finished piece...I'm still not convinced...same word usage in the lines...for example:

Find me and point it at me.
Find me and shoot.
------------------------------------------------
Find me and point it at me.
Confine me and shoot.

I'd have at this one more time...before your give it your signature...

[Marri]

Thank you for your time and constructive review. You spotted very quickly the achilles heel, I am having great difficulty with the last stanca and with keeping everything short, so hard to be laconic in a cacaphony....will work on it more. Thanks!

[Glen Yumang Manese]

No problem...have at it...pluck away the feather and reinsert them...

[Glen Yumang Manese]

Seems deep in the lines...so far...I see you're using the theme with the words: Crowd me...a bit small of a font...but I manage to read this...let me know when you've completed this one...

[Marri]

Thank you! I apologise for the font :)

[Glen Yumang Manese]

U r welcome...again let me know when this is done...and I can have a retake at it...

[Marri]

with pleasure :)