Cigarettes and Barrettes

funny lil poem

 Cigarettes and Barrettes

My hair won’t fare unless it is pinned back,

my mouth only opens for the tobacco extension of my left hand.

No care to spare other than my hair and unhealthy puffs of air. 

My skin grows lines,

I pay the fines. 

But it doesn’t matter,

for I have what I need.

Cigarettes and Barrettes,

a fine life indeed. 

Author's Note

Hope you smiled, lol.

Reviews

[suuyuwriteyunu]

Such a cute poem! I love it hehe :> how it beautifully encapsulates the joys of simple living and being okay with what you already have. xxx 🤍🤍🤍

[Mckay]

Awww!! TY!! ILY :)

[JayG]

• "My hair won’t fare unless it is pinned back,"

""Fare" can refer to the price of transportation, as in "bus fare". It can also describe how someone or something is doing in a particular situation, like "faring well" or "faring poorly". Additionally, "fare" can refer to food, such as "pub fare"

So...you know the meaning the reader is supposed to take. But does the reader??

• my mouth only opens for the tobacco extension of my left hand.

I give up. What's a "tobacco extension?" And if that mouth doesn't open for food...

• No care to spare other than my hair and unhealthy puffs of air.

So...this person has hair they spare? And, how can unhealthy puffs of air " be seen as care?"

You have intent guiding your understanding, along with intent for the meaning the reader is to take. So it works for you. But...you give the reader none of the context, so the only meaning they can take is what's suggested by their own life-experience.

In short: There's a LOT more to writing poetry than there seems. They have, after all, been writing it for centuries. So, dig into those skills and you gain the wisdom of the ages. Skip that step and you rediscover the traps they learned to avoid long ago—never noticing it happen.

Why not grab those skills and make them yours? For metrical poetry, I suggest you look at the excerpt from Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled, on Amazon. What he has to say about the flow of language is brilliant.

For prose poetry, try a read of Mary Oliver's, A Poetry Handbook. The book is a gem.

[Mckay]

Hi Jay! For your first point, I would simply say context clues. Do you really think a reader would interpret it as my hair going on a bus? Or a pub fare. So, yes to answer your question the reader will take the correct meaning if they have a single brain cell.

Tobacco extension is a funny way to say cigarette. Again, this is a lighthearted poem and I abhor redundancy. And no, the mouth does not open for food, as I stated in the poem "my mouth ONLY opens for..." DUHHH!

The person doesn't have CARE to spare. Come on, man. Did you even read the poem twice.

Additionally, writing poetry is a form of expression. I have tons of respect for the art. I take the endeavor seriously. That being said, poetry can also be humorous and most definitely left open to interpretation. I write quite frequently and I do not claim myself to be an astounding writer. I do it for fun. While your criticism could be helpful, it made it evident that you try to belittle others work based on the "experience" your profile claims you to have. In a work shop setting the best way to give constructive criticism is to sprinkle some good in-between. It comes off nicer and makes people more willing to listen to what you have to say. People don't want to listen to a poetry snob. I like the direction you went in suggesting helpful books. That's a great first step! But, you assume that I have no proper knowledge or understanding of poetry and that is simply all it is: an assumption.

So, in short, while you're on the right track to helping others improve their writing, you're still lacking In your approach. There is a LOT more to giving feedback than there seems. I hope this was helpful!

[JayG]

• So, yes to answer your question the reader will take the correct meaning if they have a single brain cell.

Given that only one other person has commented, it may not be as captivating for others as it is for you.

• Tobacco extension is a funny way to say cigarette.

As someone who was once a 3 pack a day smoker, no, it’s not. The term coffin nails used to be popular, and was seen as funny, till we learned that they actually were. Cancer stick and stinky stick were also popular in places.

Here’s a list of alternates for cigarette that might have been more intuitive for the reader:

https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/Thesaurus:cigarette

If I look up your term, I get: “Tobacco extension refers to resources and support provided to tobacco growers, researchers, and industry stakeholders.”

You forget that while you have intent guiding your understanding, the reader has only what the words suggest to THEM, based on THEIR life-experience. So ALWAYS do your research.

• The person doesn't have CARE to spare. Come on, man. Did you even read the poem twice.

Didn’t make sense any time I read it. You need to stop taking a critique on where this specific poem stands on this day as a personal attack. We ALL suck when we turn to writing because the author’s writing always works...for them. But, when you read it you cheat. For you, every word points to images, ideas, situations, and more, all waiting in your mind to be called up.

But think of the reader. For them? Every word points to images, ideas, situations, and more, all waiting in ***YOUR*** mind to be called up. And since you’re not there when it’s read....

• Additionally, writing poetry is a form of expression.

As Roseanne Cash put it: “Self-expression without craft is for toddlers.”

• I do it for fun

Hmm...you write for your own pleasure, then post it in a public forum.

Okay, but you know what they say about those who pleasure themselves in public. 🤣

Poets write for their reader’s pleasure. And they have been doing that for thousands of years. You don’t think they’ve learned things—necessary things—that aren’t going to magically come to you when you say, “I think I’ll write a poem?” Seriously?

You posted the work with the comments window open. And because you did, someone gave you time they weren’t obligated to give, to point out some resources, and why they might be helpful.

Trying to convince the reader that they should have liked the poem is far less effective than fixing the problem.

But...my goal wasn’t to upset you, only help. So, I’ll bow out, and you can delete my comments.

[Mckay]

Ok Hairy Jerry!😛 and yes my poem equates to pleasuring in public😞#boybye