Living Dead Jackinape Shuck (pantoum)

I suck at this form....so I am practicing.

 

Melancholic-monochrome-misfit pain;

Disdain for all organic dysfunction.

Alcoholic-borderline-bullshit brain:

Thoughts unsound; movements echo compunction.

 

Disdain for all organic dysfunction;

Fevered flesh cold; living rigor mortis.

Thoughts unsound; movements echo compunction.

Rotten heart thumps hard-shell like a tortoise

 

Fevered flesh cold; living rigor mortis;

Dead man, couch-coffin, television blur.

Rotten heart thumps hard-shell like a tortoise.

Junkie lies prostrate; a gutter-mouth cur.

 

Dead man, couch-coffin, television blur.

Bloated opiate blowfish turned debris.

Junkie lies prostrate; a gutter-mouth cur.

Spirit corpse adrift on choppy black seas.

 

Bloated opiate blowfish turned debris

Washed, belly-up, on my sharp rocky shore.

Spirit corpse adrift on choppy black seas.

The lightning is grounded; friendship no more.

Reviews

[Kerry O'Connor]

You've done wonders with the form... Each line is a poem in essence and stands up well to the repetition.
Faves:
1) Rotten heart thumps hard-shell like a tortoise
2) Bloated opiate blowfish turned debris
3) Washed, belly-up, on my sharp rocky shore
I just love how they sound when spoken out loud.

[OT]

you've got the form spot on here!! and brilliantly so I might add - so many pantoums end up really awkward and forced but this flows perfectly - all very natural!! bravo bull!!

[roarke]

I can't rhyme, so I can't criticize... it's always good to stretch, no matter what. MB you're very good with the form here, your words as freshly and creatively combined and the more you work with something, the more familiar it gets the more relaxed and meaningful it becomes.
me, I'm lucky just to be able to read the words... send me a post card will ya?

[Casper]

Very... Interesting? I don't really know how to take this in. I like it, a lot, but... Interesting. Very well done.