My Everlasting Vow

Beneath the stars and the Milky Way

Beneath the comets and Luna's Ray

On the grass, here we lay

You whisper in my ear and say

"I love you, darling, you must know

More than I could ever express

I see you alight in this gentle glow

Your beauty still leaves me breathless

Your eyes are sparkling ever so bright

And I can glimpse your wonderful soul

Your smile fills my world with sunlight

It is my entire heart that you stole"

I turn my head and meet your gaze

Your eyes have become a glistening maze

I find your center and clear the haze

And I know I could stay here for eternal days

"I love you, darling, you must see

More than I could ever explain

You mean more than everything to me

My heart is full of pleasurable pain

It is with you that I will spend my life

My choice, my happiness, my love

It is you that I will make my wife

And we will fly away on a dove"

Beneath the diamonds in the blue

Beneath the wondrous world I knew

The moon will take my promise true

This vow that I have made to you

Reviews

[Kayla Amaro]

This is so beautifully written! I love how you incorporated dialogue into your poem: I usually only see narration in most poems, but the addition of the lovers' dialogue was a nice touch. Lovely poem!

[Melissa Kester]

Thanks so much!

[Dwayne J. Keeves]

A grand basket of roses I lay at your feet. Wonderful

[Melissa Kester]

Thank you :)

[emipoemi]

OMG!!!!! Were it not for four small factors that need tweaking, if I may be so bold as to point out, this poem would be perfect beyond belief!! The narrative, the imagery, the musicality -- AAAAAHH!! This sings! This dances! This lives and breathes!!

You simply should place the "ever" between "I could" in the two vows (so second line in the two vow sections). That would help the musicality better, and also for musicality purposes:

- And I know I could stay for eternal days (strike the "here".....it's also unnecessary. It's implied with "stay")

- You mean more than the world to me (given that this poem is golden the whole way through, using a cliché would not undermine anything......it would rather enhance the magic and mysticity of the poem)

- And we will fly away on a dove (nothing to do with musicality for this line, but rather the rhyme......it sounds forced, which is a faux-pas in poetry, and having read this utter gem, I can tell you have talent, and you could definitely, should you desire - no pressure, merely suggesting - change this line so that it's better, and the rhyme does not seem forced).

Other than those factors, I am in freaking awe!! Well done!!

[Melissa Kester]

Thank you so much.
I do see what you mean on a couple of those things. Thank you for pointing them out. And for your kind words. :)

[AcasualPawn]

When i read first 3 lines i was expecting something different and unique but its love and is lovely written...
Sounds like indian movies though...... And i can guarantee they are bullshit and reeking with love....
Bullshit is for story...
Well nicely written good work, keep it up.

[lostinthewaves]

And just now I've realized that I've already read 'Addiction is..." , so I guess this isn't my first. Regardless, I enjoyed both.

[Melissa Kester]

I'm glad you enjoyed them :)

[lostinthewaves]

This is the first poem of yours that I've checked out. If they're all like this one I'm excited to read the rest!

[Melissa Kester]

Thank you so much!