I kissed the ground

I'm still working on it. This is just the raw collection of words before it's somewhat refined. But please review it?

I remember 

I remember when I kissed the ground 

I fell to my knees 

My face at your feet 

Their glaring rubber faces 

As my life drained 

A thick crimson pool

I couldn't breathe 

I felt the heat leave my body 

The feeling left too 

Except for the hole, that scar you made

A mark forever seared into my flesh 

It burned 

It burned such an excruciating pain 

And you walked away satisfied 

Turning back only to see the life leave my eyes 

Flecks of blood splattered upon you 

And that cold sadistic gleam 

Branded into my fading memories 

The last thing I will ever see 

Because now they're saying 

It's time 

It's time to leave.

Reviews

[Clouded in Hopeful Illu..]

“Their glaring rubber faces” – This line confuses me only slightly because I cannot tell if you mean there is a crowd watching this and their faces become rubber from the loss of blood as the vision blurs or if you mean the rubber soles of shoes since the speaker has fallen to someone’s feet.

“And I couldn't breathe” Take out the and to make it more powerful

“Except for the hole the scar you made” – Try not to use both, just one or the other, either hole or scar.


“It burned such excruciating pain” – It burned with such excruciating pain

This is one of your better poems in my opinion, because it gives us details and a sense of pain. I think you could go even deeper still and give us more, but as a first, rough draft, well done. This would be incredibly powerful if you broke it up into two line stanzas. It’s amazing how much a poem can change and effect the audience simply by changing and playing with the form.

I remember
I remember when I kissed the ground

I fell to my knees
My face at your feet

Their glaring rubber faces
As my life drained

A thick crimson pool
And I couldn't breathe

I felt the heat leave my body
The feeling left too

Except for the hole the scar you made
A mark forever seared into my flesh

It burned
It burned such excruciating pain

And you walked away satisfied
Turning back only to see the life leave my eyes

Flecks of blood splattered upon you
And that cold sadistic gleam

Branded into my fading memories
Because now they're saying

It's time
It's time to leave.

[Meraki]

Ahh I see what you did there, you're right it changes the effect completely.

[Meraki]

Oh and thank you! :D

[Cid]

Review :
What the meaning of the pain is .. you've smoothly explained into the words through this magnificent write. I hate seeing angels fall down on the ground and I hate when some bad creepers let the beautiful ones go and push them on the ground and love making fun of them ..I just hate it! It's showed through how much pain you passed in your life. This's a very heartfelt poem that's well written with the heart :)


Rating : 100/100!
Note : "I felt the poem from the heart and this poem rips the heart off!"

[Meraki]

Thank you dear haha somethings just roll off my tongue it's takes me a while to make sense of- or even realize what I've said (written). I just wondered what it was like to be murdered and this produced itself, dancing off my tongue like a dancer in a ballet. Thank you Cid for your wonderful review :D

[Tam Warink]

Good grief, (none of which I have ever experienced). The picture flip-flops between something terrible and something too horrible to contemplate except as distant words. Was this a beating, an execution or what? You get high marks for scaring the crap out of me.

100 horrible contemplations

[Meraki]

Hahaha! I'm sorry it's not a funny poem. But your review made me laugh more than I expected. Thank you for your kind and humorous words.

[Tam Warink]

Heh! Yea, well, I'm thinking... "So, a little Meraki before bedtime?" Yea, right... well not unless I want nightmares! O_O (P.S. ...so glad you laughed instead of taking me to task. {hugs})

[Meraki]

Haha! I didn't mean to give you nightmares. I have laughing cramps hahaha! You have no idea how grateful I am. Thank you again. -hugs-

[R. L. Hill]

Chilling. Very emotional and dark.