The Boy

My main character stumbles across a lost boy and returns him home safely

This kid is always forward, never shy and this kid is always open. From our sporadic conversations and my pressing questions, often concerning his safety and welfare, because he always seems to be alone, I know that he is adopted after having spent his ‘baby years’ of which ‘he doesn’t fully remember because when he goes to sleep at night he dreams them safely into a dream basket’ being ‘fostered between lots of mummies and daddies, some nice and some not as nice’ and these mummies and daddies all had children of their own, ‘lots of different big brothers, little brothers; big sisters little sisters’ that often stole his toys and broke them, called him names and told him scary stories that kept him awake at night and prevented him, on frequent occasion, from storing his dreams, his precious safely in his dream basket, so he can access them at a later date, when he’s ready. If his dreams, are not stored in this basket, then he can never be sure where they’ll disappear to, and this is why, he says, he can’t remember his mum and dad, and he holds these evil brothers and sisters entirely responsible for it.

There was this one time where Stadia pinched him until he turned different shades of purple. Stadia, he tells me, is one of the bigger sisters that he’d like to say he hated the most but shouldn’t really, actually hate anybody because God isn’t happy with people who have hatred in their hearts. God would much prefer it if all of his children, this wretched kid included, which he adds, grinning widely, proud that he is this great man sleeping in the heavens’ child however isn’t really sure that he enjoys living amongst ALL of the other children, but, (thankfully), he doesn’t mind living alongside me, at least, although God would much prefer it if all of his children only had hearts full of love. He says that we know this because God created mummies, which, even though not ALL of mummies are like this, we shouldn’t question God because it hurts his feelings and there is a naughty corner beneath the ground for anyone who hurts his feelings, and these mummies that God has created only know how to love, with all of their hearts.

In philosophizing his 5 year old Philosophies , this wretched kid does mull over the fact that maybe one has to become a mummy before they are able to have hearts full of JUST love, but then quickly finds error in his thoughts in realizing that everybody can’t be mummies, because some people are boys and everybody knows that, obviously, boys turn into daddies when they grow up. Although, he reminds me, that not all daddies are good at being daddies, some even abandon their children, something that in his ‘oprinion’, mummies never really do unless absolutely necessary. Finally he adds, full of woe by this point, that there are, then, those times where both mummies AND daddies take off and leave, and sadly, this is the situation that he is in, he just wishes he knows where he put that silly dream basket, so he could open it up and reclaim those memories that he so badly wishes he had not carelessly misplaced.

Author's Note

This is a first draft and my first book, I am concerned primarily with whatever I am doing wrong!

Reviews

[Dream Slave]

Watch for the tenses of the words and long long long sentences. Made it sort of difficult to keep up with some of the sentences that had loads of commas on there. Remember just because it is a single thought, it doesn't have to be in a single sentence. Break them up, so that instead of losing the readers, you give them the needed information bit by bit. It is essential to keep them interested in the subject and not looking for a way out from it. Other than that I enjoyed the format and the story in general. Write on and I will keep an eye out.

Being a first draft, Miss Thomas, I'd say it's good. When you edit, I would suggest going over your use of the comma and omitting any that are not necessary. I like the portrayal of the child's presentation of thought, but caution to use it sparingly. This will make the use of it stronger and also refrain from making the adult readers grow weary of the childlike voice. Your use of it here was terrific, btw. Something I suffer from is using too many insignificant words to say what a few well chosen ones would convey perfectly. That being said the best advice I could give anyone writing their first draft is to confirm each word choice when you are editing. The simpler the better, though there are times when complicated is best and that falls to creative license. I look forward to reading more and think what you have here is interesting.