am i guilty, younger me?

i think I'm okay now

for a while, i think i have been fine

there's nothing to leave me distraught

there's no one to abandon me

there's nowhere I'd like to escape now

it's a different kind of feeling

when any substance of value in your life

is no more there

would younger me have imagined this?

would she have marveled at this?

would she...

be disappointed in me?

in the same room

and on the same bed

facing the same four walls

i ask for her forgiveness...

time and time again

i think i ruined her life

she must've seen me gather up the remains

each and every day

she should understand me, i think

but why should she understand?

she was supposed to look forward to me

thinking the future would be better

than the now

the older her would've sort it out

the older her would be happier than she is now

can i give her a prelude?

by chance, a message, a warning, anything

remember how we used to pray beside the wall?

begging God to take our life

end our misery and take us with Him

remember how we couldn't sleep?

thinking and thinking

all night long... thinking

remember how we hated ourselves?

in the mirror, on the bed, outside, inside, everywhere, here and there, nowhere

I don't pray to die now

I sleep just fine now

I don't hate myself now

see me for the efforts i put in

not my shortcomings

i may still be in a cold hell

but

i am not in the same place as before

i will not look forward to an older me

i don't want her to feel guilty...

Reviews

[Jonathan Failla]

This is a very optimistic poem! I love it! Sincerely, Jonathan.

[Mk.t.g]

thanku so much, jonathan! i appreciate it loads

[Pete]

ouch, uneasy feeling. quite honest and introspective. things don't change, we do. deeply real and relatable - felt this. perhaps this why there are so many lawyers. "A man who is his own lawyer has a fool for a client."

"Guilt is a weight that will crush you whether you deserve it or not." – Maureen Johnson

[Mk.t.g]

thanku for reading, means a lot!

[Solace]

Well written. I love how such a complex feeling was expressed through the poem, as well as the thoughts that flood the persona’s mind. This also made me realize how many of us set a huge expectation on our future selves, hoping that they’ve grown to know how to figure things out. To have achieved a lot of great things. We may have been putting an unrealistic version of ourselves on a pedestal, and end up hurting ourselves in the future when we fail to meet our own expectations. This poem serves as a reminder to not only learn how to forgive, accept, and love our past self, but also our self that has yet to be. In the end, our past and future versions belong to the same person. They belong to us. So we should be gentle with ourselves. Life is difficult enough, more so when you only have yourself to rely on. So let’s not make enemies of our own self. It may be difficult, but once you embrace yourself, you reclaim the wholeness of your person.

[Mk.t.g]

agree with this on a personal level! thanku so much for coming by!