Always

Trigger Warning: themes of abuse I grew up in a house of secrets. Readers, you may have read my ongoing series about the secrets Mother kept. It was the rule: “Don’t tell family secrets."

Abuse

Always  --  A Poem

Themes of survival in abuse

Always

Memories skitter and slither away, sliding into darkness that threatens to overwhelm…

My thoughts skitter away --always
my mind trying to protect me?
memories slither and slide --always
sinking back into darkness
defying the light of interrogation

Leaving me feeling trapped --always
Living with a skittering ickiness

Flashes of memory and shame --always
jolt like a shattering clap of thunder
Every instinct screams like lightning
“RETREAT” --run away --hide…
Tell someone. Tell who? There is no one.

Leaving me feeling trapped --always
Living with a skittering ickiness… sinking

Always… I wanted to say something
Words die in memories, slithering away
threatening to drag me back to darkness
I crave words of comfort-- always
desperately knowing I’m not to blame

Leaving me feeling trapped -- always
Living with a skittering ickiness… still

Never found words to comfort myself
was only ever given words to trap me
And slithering memories clinging --always
Words to protect them at my expense: 
“Don’t tell family secrets.” ALWAYS

If you found meaning in my offering, please buy me a KoFi.

Reviews

[jacob erin-cilberto]

When children go through abuse, they are seldom able or willing to discuss what happened.
The secrets might stay locked away forever, but it surely has residual effect way past the years in which it happened.
This is hard to read without putting my fist through a wall.
j.

[MomzillaNC]

Thank you Jacob. I'm sorry I provoked such strong emotion. Hope the rest of your day is more pleasant.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

Never apologize for poetry that evokes this kind of reaction. That is what really good poetry does.
j.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

In my avatar, that is me at ten days old.
I didn't have my beard or long hair then. Ha Ha.

[MomzillaNC]

😔 Thank you

[Chris Shaw]

I am so sorry for the family secrets that are forever in the corridors of your mind. This was painful to read, but you convey so well the torment. I hope writing helps you even if you are unable to discuss this with anyone. Sending you a virtual hug.
(( ))

Chris

[Kady R.]

Hiiii Momzilla!!

I can only image what you went through and I'm sorry about what you went through. I can relate to being at s point of desperation and having that desire to ask for help but no one is there to do so. Thanks for sharing a good one.
Kady

[MomzillaNC]

Thank you, Kady