Monologue

The thoughts came to me suddenly while lying from headache.

"Do i really care?"

I tried remembering the face of two people,who are ahead of me in terms of score. One, the girl with long black hair,"She probably deserved it",I thought as i went through the memories of a random class test.

"She was damn serious man,even had a bunch of papers filled with trivias, questions and answers. Who works that hard for a class test worth of ten marks? I thought and still think"

In reality i feel blank,as if my heart is a blackhole. No emotions no ambitions.

"I didn’t try,not even a little bit to achieve what i wanted, that's why i feel no hatred for those who scored more. I can't bring myself to hate my fate or even envious of theirs."

"I didn’t take them seriously. Did you, our valedictorian?"

 I mean you too didn’t get what you wanted,even when you deserved. Aren’t we prideful,both of us?

"My pride, did people ever see that? I don't know. I saw yours. The day,when your footsteps were almost deafening me. You walked your way to the stage like a goddess, never once defeated. Untouched and fearsome,mercilessly intelligent. 

"I knew those footsteps,that smile almost like a smirk,that sparkle in the eyes, well, i had my fair share of those moments too. Not in academia though, mine shone in arts. Ahh, everytime i heard my name being annouced in the mic;vibrating through the hallways i felt pride. Invincible, dominated for years,Just like you."

"If you ever ask me what is pride i will give a rather inscrutable answer. Footsteps are pride,smile is pride. Not just any random one.That one smile you wear after receiving a crest,those footsteps that you make your way through the stage. A whole bunch of poeple looking at you while you walk. The feeling of not even caring WHO else is there,competing against you.The feeling of dominating. That is pride my dear."

"And we both had our pride. Not a genius like you though, but i was good enough in my studies. And when i rose in ranks without even working pride crept in. Pride,you formidable sin, took over me slowly,so much that i didn’t even care for the ones who worked hard. You, deadly sin,made me blind."

"Fate showed me who I am,fate prized the poor ones. But here i am not even caring much beacause i never did". 

Ambitionless or a prideful monster what will people choose to call me?

Author's Note

First time writing and English is not my first language. So please ignore minor grammatical errors and share your thoughts. I would love to hear your interpretations and advice

Reviews

[George Rockefeller]

Good self-conscious reflection on a character flaw. Reminds me a bit of Raging Bull where the main character knows his flaws but is unable, unwilling to change. And like in that movie the narrator of your story seems to indulge and revel on their flaws. Now I have to point out that the writing is not great: at the beginning you mention 'two people' but I can't tell for sure if 'the girl with long black hair' is a different person from 'our valedictorian.' Also the use of quotes seem inconsistent after the forth line: I can't tell when the narrator is thinking now and when they quote what was thought while lying. But the gist and emotions get through well enough, only I had to read it a couple of times to clarify some confusion lol.

[Marz nawshi]

Thank you so much for your review and advice.

[Elowen]

Peace be upon you! I found your story truly inspiring. If you’re looking for professional artwork to match your story, I’d be happy to help. Let’s collaborate and turn your ideas into visual art.