Never the Same #81 Kirk’s Fear of the Future

Kirk’s benign easy life is tending to be a bit sticky and worrisome.

 

Cue: “Tomorrow Never Knows” https://youtu.be/O58ouPdjgo0?si=3X50rIAnUI-Cbu-e

           

            After going to the junkyard and considering Crazy Ed’s truck with all things industrial mounted on the back, Kirk wondered if he should strive to improve his welding skills. He surmised that despite the sour economy, welders should always be in hot demand whether in automotive, agricultural, or industrial workplaces. He knew of the college’s night school which taught various skills such as welding, cooking, and nursing. It wasn’t too expensive and instructed students in both oxy/acetylene (gas) welding and arc welding. Kirk thought his expertise was acceptable in gas welding, but as mentioned before, his arc welding, specifically vertical and overhead welding skills left much to be desired. The class started after Thanksgiving, though Kirk would have to let that idea percolate in his brain for a while before committing  

            ***

            Often, when Kirk sat down to have dinner with his parents, he’d keep his head down, his eyes on his plate. Maybe it stemmed from when his oldest sister would harass his table etiquette on a nightly basis. Every single night took a toll on the 10�"12-year-old. Otherwise, Kirk enjoyed dinner time. His mother would always have something scrumptiously tasty made and were home style wholesome dinners made for Kirk and his father, who never seemed to appreciate the labors she put into keeping the house running and clean, besides preparing the meals and making delicious baked goods. Kirk tried to show his appreciation to his mother who usually doted on him, but he usually fell short in his effort.

            Often at the table, Kirk would notice his father’s large gnarly hands though not as sun tanned as years past before he worked the plant, back when he spent hours on end out in the fields on the tractor. His father would often point out to Kirk that his hands were larger and stronger than Kirk’s because he had worked exceedingly hard and endlessly as a “young man” versus Kirk who apparently had a cushy upbringing. As covered in an earlier Ep or two, Kirk’s father never pushed him hard to be a farmer though Kirk had spent plenty of hours himself on an open John Deere tractor in the beating hot sun thereby gaining a deep tan as well, though not lately likewise. 

            One cold winter evening when Kirk had enough of working on his stock car, he came into the house calling it a night. His father stood there busy burning his nightly toast over the gas kitchen burner raving about the latest politics probably about Congress kicking Nixon out of office his father being the die-hard, stalwart Republican. Switching subjects, not being one to launch into anything slowly or quietly, his father announced to Kirk his big plans for the next summer.

            “The new corn varieties just came out in the catalog, so I’m going to put in a big seed order seeing you’re not getting a job and can spend more time workin’ the farm. I plan on putting the north forty all in corn along with the fifteen acres of sweet corn that we can take to market like a few years back. We made good money selling corn that year.” His father said proudly.

            Kirk recalled the back breaking job of hauling giant burlap bags of corn through the field while picking before overloading the old family station wagon. He stared into his evening cup of coffee without saying a word. The lack of a response from Kirk didn’t slow his father one bit.

            “YOU can take over the planning of planting schedule along with the weed control chores.”

            A rush went up Kirk’s back before he began getting a little hot under the collar, but he still didn’t say anything.

            “SO. Along with the corn, we can put in oats and of course make all that hay out there. Remember the thousands of bales we made that one year?” His father crunched down on his toast and continued on. “Maybe with some of your money combined with ours, we could get a newer, bigger tractor. Wouldn’t you like that?”

            Kirk couldn’t go on any longer without saying something. “Yeah, sure. We sure could use a newer tractor.”

            Kirk thought about the two old, decrepit tractors they had which wouldn’t start on their own meaning the tractors had to be started by running down a hill and popping the clutch. Meanwhile, his mother sat across from Kirk silent at least up to this point.

            “You know that one day the whole farm will be yours,” his mother cheerfully said, but his father gave her the evil eye and added nothing to confirm or deny his mother’s information that surprised Kirk. Kirk knew there wasn’t a “whole farm’ anymore anyway. He recalled that the farm’s history extended all the way back to when it was part of the Tonawanda Indian Reservation.  Now at this time, his two older sisters had built houses on sizable chunks of the farm and a younger third sister coming up who would probably get another chunk as well in a couple years. Kirk was sure his father would push Kirk into farming continuing the laborious occupation in the Biscuit family already passed down through the generations, but being a farmer persisted as the least desired occupation in Kirk’s mind that he would ever want to partake in.    Despite feeling okay a few minutes prior, Kirk’s stomach had gone sour. He got up saying he headed to bed.

            Still depressed the next day, Kirk felt sure that his father would try to reinforce his idea of Kirk becoming a full time farmer, so in the morning he avoided sitting at the breakfast table with his father. His mother picked up on Kirk’s sour mood asking him if he felt all right which he answered a bit brusquely that he was fine and he just had a lot of things mulling over on his mind. Those things like the all-day drudgery of being a farmer, even though the farm being solely crops wasn’t as bad as being a dairy farmer, but there were always farming-type tasks to be fulfilled. Like equipment maintenance, especially their old, worn-out equipment that was inclined to frequent breakdowns. You might think that Kirk would enjoy working on farm tractors and such seeing he went to college for their repair, but that’s just another thing Kirk didn’t like and would want to avoid in his future plans. Spring planting scheduled around weather remained a linchpin of a successful year, summer cultivation and spraying with deadly chemical a constant drain on one’s body and soul, and then, finally, crop harvesting, all of it back breaking in every conceivable situation from spring to summer to autumn.

            Uh-uh, not for Kirk. He sulked as he wandered out to his bare bones stock car. That’s another thing he thought about: As a farmer, he’d never be able to afford to race, not to mention having the time for every weekend race and the repairs that would be likely along the way.
            Opening the barn’s garage, he eyed the frame and roll cage which entailed the car at this point.

            On the other hand, perhaps, Kirk remained in perfunctory self-denial that he could continue building his car on the pittance of unemployment insurance. Yeah, it’ll never fund those things that’ll cost the pretty pennies namely the engine, transmission, rear axle, tires and wheels. And all the other smaller costly things that add up in no time. No doubt Kirk had trouble getting motivated for working on it with his mind in the bottom-feeder doldrums. Maybe he could break his sour condition with some quality up time with Sarah Elizabeth.

            Over the next days and weeks, actually, Kirk attempted to gain some solace by spending time with Sarah Elizabeth. Kirk didn’t quite know how to take Sarah’s sudden switch to a quiet, worried state, but they very seldom spoke of personal things, problems, or thoughts anyway, hence their usual quiet relationship. They always had spent a lot of time at her house evenings watching TV especially on weekends when Kirk wasn’t busy working late night on his car. But her usual bubbly, cheerful manner seemed so subdued or downright missing sure didn’t help Kirk’s own low mental state one iota. Kirk didn’t want to pry and so despite spending time together not much was said or done by the couple.

            One evening, Sarah Elizabeth, unleashed a pointed question straight out of the blue.

            “What do you think about us getting married?”

            Kirk felt blindsided and cast instantly dumbfounded. It took a few moments to get his bearings. “Ahhhh, Us? Get married?”

            Kirk’s brain swirled into a million different directions on issues like him not having a job, career, or anything he really wanted to do or find to do to support himself and a wife. And the fact Sarah still remained in the middle of her senior year in high school. Thinking back, about this same time last year, Kirk purchased, because he had more money last year, an unfinished hope chest to stain and varnish as a present to Sarah on Christmas. He wondered if she got the wrong idea about him after giving her the hope chest. Maybe it meant he was proposing/ suggesting marriage? He could never guess what went through female minds. Sarah continued with her thought thread.

            “Yeah, us.” Sarah said despondently. “I was just thinking. We’ve been together for quite some time now. I don’t want to stay here in my parents’ house any longer, well just because, and you feel the same about your family. Don’t you?”

            “Sure, I guess so,” Kirk said distracted. “But this is kinda’ sudden for us to suddenly consider with, you know, our present situation.”

            “I’m sorry for dropping this like a bomb, but I’m worried, scared actually for a couple weeks now.”

            Kirk comprehended that if Sarah was truly scared while talking about marriage and such then he was scared just as much as well.  All he could think about at that potentially pivotal moment, with a scary situation confronting him head on, was to think of Dee who he had loved, or thought he loved, with his entire soul. Kirk actually contemplated a wish before he went to college, that maybe something would occur that would force him and Dee to be married. But that was a long time ago. He still wondered if she ever truly cared for him or if he just filled an empty, temporary space in her life. He wondered how she was doing in the US Navy. She hadn’t written and he didn’t have a clue where to send a letter for her. Would he have sent one even if he knew? Probably not.

            “So. Kirk, are you thinking about what I said?” Sarah asked, with a concerned lilt.

            Snapped back to his and Sarah’s current predicament, Kirk sure wasn’t the same.