Not the Same #1 Reactionary Conversations

All the time covered including an hour ago, Kirk remained Never the Same, then he became Not the Same.

 

 

            Kirk took a deep-down breath or was it a sigh as he stepped out of the US Air Force Recruiting Office. He stopped, took in the blue sky and puffy white clouds inhaling the cold crisp air. The world looked different to him, it felt different.  He undoubtedly had become different, not the same as before. He strolled to his pink van with the custom touches he had designed and painted himself. It occurred to him that the van appeared, to him now, immature, childish even.  As he drove home along his old stomping grounds that he had driven countless times since he had acquired his driver’s license snowbanks lay piled high alongside the roads that he really didn’t notice because his mind lingered elsewhere, namely the huge unforeseen leap he had just undertaken.

            Kirk pondered why he had signed up to enlist in the United States Air Force. He couldn’t quite nail down why.  On this particular day, he had driven there to the office specifically, his destination when he departed the home farm.  As we read in the previous episode, why he went there probably remained a culmination of many factors. This action became his first real commitment that he had ever decided, on his own, by himself, to do. Yes, there were the sports intramural teams he put his name down to join, but he could’ve quit at any time like he had done for football his fall freshman school year, but he soldiered on in the other sports he had joined afterwards even though he failed miserably in all of them. Would he fail at being “Airman Biscuit” like he had failed with sports and his first job?

            College, he attended primarily to avoid the Vietnam draft, though he had to admit looking back that he had been scared silly, so sort of, kinda’ felt justified in dodging the draft even though he didn’t go as far as leaving the US for Canada to avoid the draft. These couple years since, much had changed in America. The war had ended, the draft concluded even though some draftees would continue into the military until the spring when the US Military would become all-volunteer. There had been talk by some after all the many negative perspective, outcomes, and political fallout of Vietnam that there would never be a war like that ever again. Kirk, perhaps, took that optimistic thinking to heart enough to take the giant leap.

            In Kirk’s young formative grammar years, he faithfully watched the television show “12 O’clock High.” In the show that took place during World War II, aircrews of B-17 Flying Fortresses portrayed bombing runs against Nazi Germany. Even though the show focused on officers piloting and commanding the planes and people, there were glimpses of enlisted men and women in supporting roles on the ground and as well, aircrew. This admirable, auspicious presentation of the US Army Air Corps from WW II apparently formed an enduring impression on Kirk that had recently resurfaced. Well. Perhaps.

            Cruising onward, he stopped at Burger King for lunch. He wondered what the food would be like in the air force. All he could think of was the dreaded “KP duty” described by Sarah Elizabeth’s father who had served during the Korean war. Of course, the Kitchen Patrol of the US Army might have been required duty for ground pounders especially during the war with every private taking their turn peeling potatoes. Kirk couldn’t guess what he was in for in any way, but with his mind in the clouds, he went soaring with the possibility of flying with an aircrew in some unknown, fanciful way. Would he be allowed to eat fast food? Well, definitely not in basic training which turned his stomach when he imagined all the possibilities of being in the military considering the images from the old movies. Yeah now, driving down the road Kirk wasn’t all that confident…

            Nevertheless, he didn’t want to go home and tell his parents and he sure didn’t want to tell Sarah Elizabeth. He wouldn’t blame her if she cried over his news. So, to kill time, he went to the department store Twin Fair that was popular back then. He recalled that probably the last time he happened to be in the store he had gone in with Farrah to buy a record album by a band that shared her last name. He meant to impress her, but nothing transpired or said either way. A lot of water flowed under the bridge since then, but he wondered where Farrah was now.

 Going inside he didn’t know what he was after, but ended up in the toy department’s plastic model aisle. There were shelves full of boxed old hot rods, race cars and dragsters, some of which Kirk had assembled and painted himself, but now he possessed other thoughts. On a single shelf at the end of the aisle were the aircraft models. There were the classic planes from WWII like the P-51 Mustang, the B17 Flying Fortress like he saw on the TV show, the P-47 Thunderbolt and others. He saw a model of the X-1 that Chuck Yeager broke the sound barrier with, the super-speedy high-flying X-15 that Kirk already built, and the famous, super-fast SR-71 Blackbird, but he didn’t spot what he searched for until he laid his eyes on the F-15 Eagle. That was the plane Kirk had seen in the air force brochure and had set his air force imaginings and yearnings afire. He picked up the model along with a tube of plastic glue because he hadn’t assembled a model in years. On check out, he felt a bit incongruous thinking he might have appeared too old to build airplane model anymore, but the checker didn’t react whatsoever.  

Kirk didn’t hurry home that day, taking it slow with a roundabout route, though not past any of those “meaningful memorable” places like when he had departed, nevertheless, he had to go home eventually. Walking into the kitchen entrance, his ever-busy mother greeted him with a “hello dear” and asked if he was hungry. His father sat sprawled sideways reading the newspaper with his feet sticking outside the table legs. Kirk answered in the negative with a shake of his head. He set his model and paperwork from the recruiting office down on a sideboard. She asked if he’d like some coffee and with his affirmative, she dropped everything and made it her mission to make him coffee as fast as she could. In the course of coffee making, she stopped, noticing his paperwork.

“What’s this dear?”  Kirk looked over unsure on how to answer so decided to be out with the news.

 “I joined the air force,” Kirk said succinctly.

“You what?” She asked unbelieving, like she couldn’t quite comprehend what he said.

“I joined the air force and will leave in a month or so,” Kirk said, without looking at her.

 His mother pulled out a chair and sat down hard dipping her head. Kirk hadn’t noticed if his father had caught on, but apparently, he had because he pounded his hands on the table leaving the newspaper in a piled-up wad, jerked up to his feet and went out, slamming the back door without a word. Kirk and his mother looked at each other.

She asked, “when did you decide to do this?”

He shrugged again, “I don’t know,” Kirk held his head in his hands. “Maybe back last summer when Dee told me she joined the navy just to move on away from town.” He paused. “I think the end of racing forced me to do something impulsive and to move on was my answer.” He swallowed hard.

“You know, your father,” his mother took a deep breath. “Had planned on you and him working the whole farm together next year, because you said there wasn’t going to be any racing.”

Kirk blurted out, “I don’t want to be a farmer, maybe right there’s the main reason I joined.”

“But the farm, he said you would end up with the farm.”

With wet eyes Kirk shrugged. “He never said that to me.” He wiped his face with his sleeve.

His mother went silent, looking down to the table.

“I’m going to bed,” Kirk said, picking up his stuff, sticking it under his arm, and headed off to bed.

 He examined his fighter jet model which had some specifications on the box. He imagined what a real, full-size F-15 would be like in person, yet it commanded his interest with just the picture on the box. He undressed and climbed into bed. Lying there, he still couldn’t assure himself that he had made a good decision because he really didn’t know what sort of experience he was in for joining the air force. Would he get an interesting job with aircraft or get stuck with a job that he wanted to avoid like police, administration, and medical. Sarah Elizabeth’s father who served during the Korean War worked as an Admin Specialist in dire, dirty wartime conditions. Kirk didn’t want to even think of being in the military during a war let alone an office clerk, but no one, especially himself, knew what the future in the world would bring him. He signed on for four years and he tried, tried to reassure himself that no war would occur in that short time, at least in the grand scheme of things in his muddled thinking anyway.

 Trying to sleep, he told himself that he was utterly committed with no backing out, so whatever came about, he’d be there, somewhere living the air force life. Eventually, he fell into a fitful sleep of jet planes, war scenes, and his dream self, a terrified soldier, existed caught up in it all. An explosion occurred in his nightmare and he abruptly awoke with a start with his bed still shaking from his violent physical reaction. In his shocked waking dream, he had to ask himself, what have I done? I am no military brat from a military family with no connections to set me on my way and explain what I’m in for. Which was true except for his brother-in-law Jon who never spoke of his time in the air force. Kirk ruminated upon all matter of military accounts from movies and the news he recalled namely about the Vietnam War until he returned to a nearly dead-like sleep.

The next day began as usual since he lost his job, namely he moseyed down to the kitchen in his old sweet time. His mother sat sipping coffee and with Kirk’s arrival his father got up and departed. Yeah, Kirk thought, he’ll never speak to me again. Just as well in his perspective, seeing father and son never had any semblance of an affable relationship.

Kirk drank his usual cup of coffee with his bowl of Life cereal. His mother seemed unusually silent and withdrawn. Kirk understood that. Halfway through his cereal, he paused.

“I’m going to tell Sarah today that I joined the air force.” With that thought, he got up and called her. She answered on the first ring with a simple, “Hello.”

“Hi Sarah, sorry to call so early, but thought I’d catch you before school.”

“No school, Kirk,” she said bubbly. “We’re still on Christmas New Year break.”

“Oh, right. I forgot. Kind of lost track of days, ah, since not having a job or, ah, any schedule, ya’ know?”

“Sure, I know. Want to come over? I have the house to myself.”

“Yeah, ah, okay.”

“You don’t sound like you, are you all right.”

“I guess so. I’ll be over in a bit.”

“Looking forward to it,” Sarah said.

“See ‘Ya in a while. ’Bye.”

“’Bye.”

Kirk slowly set the receiver down on the coal-black phone’s cradle. He sure hadn’t planned on telling her so early, hoping to gin up enough courage through the day to tell her after school or in the evening. He finished his cereal with another half of a cup of Joe. Afterwards, with only a concerned look from his mother, he went out to his pink van and drove, rather slowly, to Sarah’s home because he didn’t know how’d he break the news to her. He knew she’d take it bad possibly with angry words and crying. Kirk couldn’t take any of that, he felt bad enough as it was because in a way, he felt like he’d be abandoning her.

  So Kirk pulled in the driveway and saw Sarah wave him in from the house. Stepping in the backdoor, she stood there rather comely waiting to greet him. They both spoke hellos, and she moved in close with puckered lips and her arms out anticipating an embrace. Kirk in his uncertain befuddled state, kissed her and put his arms around her, but with his mind elsewhere didn’t respond with any feeling. She backed off with a slightly confused expression.

“Would like a cup of coffee?” She asked, studying him.

Kirk simply said, “yes, sure.”

 As she put the kettle on to boil and prepared the instant Nescafe cups, she glanced over her shoulder at Kirk who didn’t notice at first until he took his eyes up from the table to her.

“Working on your car or what’ya doing today?” Sitting down, she looked concerned.

He just looked back to the table and said, “nothing much.”

Both sitting uneasily with no more words spoken for the long minutes until the kettle started to whistle. She poured the steaming water into the cups which formed a frothy brown foam.

 He said succinctly, “thanks.”

 She sat down anxiously while watching him. “Are you okay? You seem a little different, withdrawn.”

“Yeah, sure, I’m okay.” They sat and sipped their molten-lava like coffee in silence. She stared at him, but he only occasionally glanced to her.

Suddenly she just abruptly asked, “Are you breaking up with me,”

“What?” Kirk said, more confused with this new angle that he didn’t anticipate.

“Are you breaking up with me, you seem like you don’t want to be here with me.”

“Well,” he started and she sucked in a breath with a dreadful expression. “Well, I…no I’m not breaking up with you but…”

“But, But what?”

 He stared at the table; he took a deep, deep breath.  “I joined the air force.” He let out the breath.

“NO! You, you didn’t really, did you?” She asked with a shocked expression. “C’mon, are you kidding?

 Kirk nodded his head slowly. “No, no kidding. I joined yesterday.”

“Why in heavens would you do that? To get away from me?” 

“No, of course not, Sarah. I just needed to get away and do something with myself. I feel stuck. Wasted with no job and now no racing.” He shrugged. “I have nothing to look forward to.”

“But what about us, you and me? Because this can’t be real what you’re saying. What am I going to do with you gone? I’ll be lost.”  Sarah sat there leaning back in her chair with glassy eyes. She looked up. “When are you leaving, then?” She hunched over her lap looking frightened. “Tomorrow? Next week?”

Kirk put his hands up. “No, not yet. Not that soon. I have to go to entrance processing next week, but I don’t know when I’ll actually leave.” He shrugged. “Maybe in a month or two?

 Sarah looked down into her cup of coffee. “How long will you be in then�"two years?”  Kirk put on his grim face. “No, that’s how long for the army. The air force enlistment is four years because there is more training, like for skills in the air force.”

“Then, so what skill would you do? Work on airplanes or something?

“I don’t know what I’ll be doing.” He paused and raised his eyes to look at her.  “Well, I could have reserved a certain skill, especially a highly desired skill, but then I’d have to wait six months or more and I didn’t want to wait.”

 Sarah thought about that. You just wanted to go? Get away? From me?”

“No, it’s nothing to do with you. I told you that I felt guilty about not having a job.” Kirk shrugged. “And no more racing. I lived to race, you know?”

 She nodded with an unhappy smile. “Believe me, I do know.” They sat and chatted until well after their coffees got cold. Sarah Elizabeth asked a lot of questions about the US Air Force, but Kirk remained unable to answer most of them. They spent most of the day without speaking at all with her looking at him with a melancholic expression.

Neither of them was happy that day, but afterwards they continued on almost as before though his eventual departure hung over both of their heads like a dark slate rain cloud.

Sarah could tell from that morning onward Kirk was Not the Same.