Passion Killer

only posted because I could.. not a fave and maybe needs more work.. a lot more maybe...

Passion Killer

 

He thought

She had a passion

She said she had an appetite

 

He asked if she

Might care to dance she said

She would but only if he spend the night

 

And though her style was

Kind of out of fashion she kind of

Kind of looked alright

 

But she stole an army great coat

And wore a hunting knife to

Bed that night

 

Then she said

If you care

To hold me tight

 

We might

Touch and talk tho

If we talk maybe we can keep

It light

 

He said

They could but only if

They spent the night together

 

 

 

Author's Note

Dont try this at home folks...

Reviews

[Chris Shaw]

Hello Neville. Passion Killer indeed. It's her that needs a lot more work on. I only detected a couple of words that I would have left out in your poem, that would have helped the flow. An army coat and a knife? She sounds as though she's suffering from the big freeze, and that knife, he should be very careful, very careful. His voice could end up an octave or so higher.

There is also a moral in this tale. A good one.

Chris

[Neville]

I know this does need looking at... thanks for the tip Chris... :)

[sarahsara]

Great choice of wording I enjoyed reading it. :)

[Neville]

I enjoyed the fact you took the trouble to read it.. thank you my friend... N

[Papaya]

You are tangoing and tangling with the wrong women again, Neville.
I'm starting to think you like them crazy and dangerous.

[Neville]

not at all, I'm just a normal kinda homosapien :) x

[Lorry]

Is your muse BB King, because I could swear that reading this, I kept hearing second hand woman play in my head :)
And whenever im with a chic in a stolen army coat and hunting knife, I always keep it light. :)

[Neville]

I know what ya mean.. & very sensible too sir.. tis better to be berated than serrated any day... bless ya Lorry

[Iam-me]

Wow, she sure was a passion killer Neville. I am surprised he could rise to the occasion with this lady.

[Neville]

absolutely... thanks for reminding me Dawn... :)

[jacob erin-cilberto]

"Let's spend the night together" reminded of the Stones...a couple spots in this could edited..
i like the "kind of" part...it is a reminder of how we talk sometimes...we use hesitant language that does not further the thought.
j.

[Neville]

cheers jacob.. I shall most probably try to adapt as per suggestions to date....