A Truth Untold

For a contest

 

A warrior in

His own battles, he dies in

A slowing pain that

Couldn't be exisiting now

In his soul, but in the heart.  

Author's Note

A senryu (5-7-5-7-7)
__________
Some of this might now make sense, but it makes some sense. Lol.

Reviews

[Adam Adams]

It makes me writing this: "Love never dies, but lives inside. It's eternal though, sadly, the life's not." Beautiful imagery you created around your deepen words. Liked it!

[Roger Ferguson II]

cool, this is the first time i've heard of a senryu

[Belle Morte]

I love it. It's short and simple. It makes the point perfectly.

Excellent write. Keep up the good work dear.

[Captain Blackheart (The..]

An intresting piece...never wrote a senryu before...(find all the number count get me.lol). A good piece and reflective, I have interprated as the warriors heart slowly dies as he fights on, maybe lossing more love in his heart as it fill with the anguishes of war.I like this piece!

[Lalli]

I really like this piece... I actually don't find it vague at all.. I found that you said paramounts through few words
may i make a few suggestions to help make it a stronger unified piece?

It was difficult to read from the line breaks.. a possible restructure could help emphsize points
"A warrior
In his own battles
He dies a slowing pain
That could only be neither
In the soul, but in the heart"

You lost me with the conflicting useage of words with "Neither" and "but" by using the word neither you are setting up the use of 2 examples, but only use one (the soul) since you state that it is "IN" the heart.

possibly you meant it residies in the soul and in the heart, or itsn't restricted to just the soul but in the heart..

I really hope my criticism was takin constructively.. I thoroughly enjoy this piece and only wanna help

much love n' respect

-Lalli

[Larissa G.]

A simple, vague little piece. It's a curious read as it is, but I would love to see an elaboration and details about what it truly means. it's a story waiting to be told. :)