When grief becomes anger

His lover dissappeared, they found each other again and then his lover is murdered in front of his eyes. The hopeful grief turns into blinding rage.

Perhaps with you, I lost myself, too. Perhaps some parts died even before you did. Perhaps my sanity’s been gone for longer than I’ve known. Every breath the earth exhaled then, stabbed my wound, my loss of you. When everything told me you had to be gone, I still held on to impossible hope. A hope that died with every remembrance, one I kept reviving by giving all of myself. It was a hope that took more and more of me, one that killed me to keep you alive. And when everyone told me that it just could not be true, when Everything screamed: let it go, just give up, I kept holding on to that small hope inside me, I couldn’t let go of that little light. You are that light, you were that light. Even when I still believed you weren’t gone, not really, not dead, I was slowly disappearing, like I had meant to take your place. 

And when I found you, recognised you after years of losing hope, years of slowly falling deeper, feeling myself slip away, years of fear growing inside me, taking over all I had, I was already beyond salvation. You were alive, but in truth I wasn’t. Saving you had been killing me. Until all that was left was numbing anger. At the world for killing my hope. At the people for giving up on you. At myself for losing hope. You brought me peace, you taught me silence that wasn’t suffocating but freeing. You showed me darkness wasn’t always truly bad. Perhaps the way you helped me neutralize my fears sculpted the road to true release. You gave me peace, brought back those pieces I thought were lost forever. You were the light that showed me my shadows. You were the one to love my whole. 

Losing you unlocked a darkness I had feared. Finding you helped me find solace in those shadows. 

Then they took you from me. I held your body as your life slipped through my fingers. It was their first mistake to give you back to me. It was their second to take you again, steal your life as I was watching. For their own sake, they should’ve killed you off when I could still hope that you were alive. When you were gone, I learned my darkness. The first time around, I feared it, fought it so that flicker of hope would stay alive. This time I watched you leave my world. This time there was no hope to salvage. This time you’d taught me not to fear the dark inside me. This time all sanity was lost. 

Now when I look into the nightsky, when I wade through misty fields, when I smell your scent within the forest, it fuels anger instead of dread. And when the darkness shows my shadow, I accept its power and its hand. Last time I fought to keep the light on, this time you killed all light in me. Now I take power out of silence, now I stand strong within the gloom. It’s inhumane, but it feels righteous. So I will stand and fight this war. Perhaps you’ll find me in the shadows, you’ll know it was t’ wind that pushed me forth. I will take revenge in silence, kill the ones who killed my soul. They mistook my determination, they didn’t believe I could turn against them. They saw my resilience as foolishness, they did not see what the wind had seen in me. Now I’m no longer called a hero, but who could blame me for my fall. Perhaps once a person finds their low point, they will find their underworld. Perhaps this fall started a new climb, one for a power I could reach. Perhaps wrong hope turned to dark knowledge, acknowledgement I couldn’t be what has been expected of me. Perhaps that fall from expecting perfection shows us just how powerful we are. 

When I lost you the first time, I dreaded power, I feared myself

Then when you found me in that forest, you helped me love that force in me.

And when they took you once more from, they killed all parts that held me back. They killed that hope that kept me human. 

I am aware I’ve gone insane, I am aware I am no hero. But there is reason, there’s a blame. I have proved I didn’t want this, I have showed how far I’d go. I have killed myself to keep my hope. I gave my all and they never saw it, never thought me good enough. To them, I’d never be a hero. 

This way I might be seen as a villain, frightening, but at the least I’ll make things right. I gave my all to keep you’re spirit alive, now I give my all to show our power. I will succeed this time, I will not disappoint you. The so-called heroes that caused this, they who caused me, shall feel the pain they caused to others. I’ll make them get what they deserve. Perhaps you won’t approve of what I’ll do, but you have always pushed me towards fate. I no longer believe in those fairytales of meant-to-be. I refuse to believe we were supposed to die like this. But I will take on this role, I will stand tall and claim this as my fate, because we deserved better than this, because people like them should never get power, because the people who did this deserve to die, I’ll make them get what they deserve. 

I don’t deserve to claim their power, we both know it was never mine to keep. Dear Sapphire, our dear friend, You are the hero this world needed, you shall be queen. Dear spirit of wind, my dear Ashzyr, I will find my way back to you. Please understand what I must do before I can return to you. 

Holding on to being a hero has kept me in that dark so long. How could I want to stand alongside them? If I could, I’d still be that hero that little me found light in. But I refuse to be the same as all those others named a hero, all those heroes that killed you, Ash, the same that killed my parents too. How many more suffered because of them? How many more were killed to protect their power? If standing on the opposite side of them means being a villain then so be it. Call me a villain, fear my power. I vow to do what I have to to protect this world from them. 

I would’ve let the world burn for you, my love. I choose you over everything else. I’d give you my life if that means I could save you. But I no longer have that hope. That delusion has been lifted, now all there’s left is realisation, anger, rage. I will avenge you, make them pay. And I will find you soon beyond this life. For you are the air that I’ve been breathing, you are what’s left of it in my lungs. You are the thrill of cold upon my skin, you are the warm touch of the sun. You’ve left my life, but your life’s never left me, it still feeds me, loves me, fuels me. You are the spirit of the wind, I am the spirit of the water. I will drown them in our storm so peace might roam again. 

I love you.

Author's Note

I'm sorry if it's a little confusing. This might not be a very good text as is, since I used it to work on my character, his emotions and storyline. For context, This is about River, a boy who longed to become a hero, but ended up a villain. His best friend and lover Ash dissappeared and he starts failing in school because he is too focussed on finding them. He loses himself in the search and gives up his dreams to keep the hope alive that Ash is still alive and well and he will find them. They find each other and Ash helps River back on track to loving himself again, but they get killed in front of Rivers eyes. With no hope left within his sight, he turns towards the murderers: The supposed heroes of their world, and vows to destroy them, no matter what it takes.

Reviews

[Chad]

Damn bro sad but you gotta love the world building