Two stories begin

Meet the characters and the story begins

I stand at what was once my city. My city built from one that was in ruins from the plague and destroyed for nothing more than revenge. Most people would never have to deal with leading a nearly a hundred people, fewer would have to do it after a global plague, and even less at twenty, but I never thought we’d make it to twenty, no less a hundred. Now it is just Alex, Zelda, Tom, Kate, Chloe, and I staring at what used to be our homes and streets, but are now being in gulfed by flames and covered with the bodies of our friends. Kate tells Chloe to look away, as she is her child and no child should see this. My heart feels like an infinite hole in my chest and I can only hope that we weren’t the only ones to make it out alive. I turn back to the group and their faces are covered with dirt and soot, but through their sorrow I can still see the same drive to live as I did when I was first with them. “Alright…” they all look to me, still their leader, but something has changed, “I’m not gonna’ talk about this, so let’s get to the other side of the city and wait to see if anyone else made it.” Kate looks to me and asks, “But what if they destroyed that too?” She is concerned for her daughter and I don’t know how to handle them. What can I say? We just have to hope for someone else to have made it to the other side of the city. That’s it, that’s what is gone, their hope.

Reviews

[Steph]

This is a really good start! I was really intrigued and will definitely to read more. I did spot a few grammatical errors but I'm pretty sure you will pick up on them when you go to do another draft.

[Nancy Ring]

"leading a nearly a hundred people" Rewrite this as "leading nearly a hundred people." It makes the sentence flow better. I think we can make this whole paragraph better. Try taking the part about engulfing flames and such and put that in the beginning. Start it like this: Staring at what used to be our homes, our city is engulfed with flames. The streets are covered with bodies of our friends and family. For the sentence with Kate and Chloe I would write it as: "Don't look Sweetheart!" Kate says to Chloe while grabbing her head and moving her face towards her body to shield her from the effects of the devastation. I think you have something good here going. All you need now is a good story flow.

[Colin]

Thanks like I said its my first draft and I've been sick with maybe an hour a day so, thanks!