Keep the "Good" for Good

An apology.

What I didn't realize was how good I had it-

How good I had it with you.

I was so enthralled and utterly consumed by what I was missing,

What was lacking from my life

To see that I wasn't missing out on anything.

You had given me a piece of my life

That I will never deserve to win back.

I struggled to find my heaven

While you were placing a utopia into my thankless, dirty hands.

I felt safe, strong, and beautiful in your arms-

But, foolish me, I didn't think it was enough.

I guess I wanted to be dangerous-

To live dangerously.

When I thought that all I wanted was to cut and slice

And rip apart my life-

I thought it would give me substance.

But I was wrong.

Oh, how I was wrong.

I thought all I wanted was someone who would "show me the ropes"-

Help me to cast etiquette and honor and sobriety to the wind.

I thought all I needed was someone who would lead me to places

I had never been.

He seemed like the one, you know-

Had that look of fire in his eyes.

But now I know the truth.

I thought I could outrun the beast that came stalking me,

And play with the fire without getting the blisters.

But that's just what happened, wasn't it?

I split and cracked and flayed our bond apart.

And now, what do I have left, tell me please.

Some scars, some burns,

Some nights I don't remember-

And others I wish I could forget.

You know, you were right in warning me-

About how I could fall from grace.

About how I would never get back my innocence.

I was simply his cheap "high"-

I knew it as much as he did.

Like a blunt-

Take a hit, pass it on.

There are some things you can't blame completely on naiveté.

I knew what I was doing.

Until the part when I lost you.

Now I feel so empty.

Like the carapace of a crustaceous creature. 

Except, there's nothing inside me.

You can shake me

You can tip me over to examine my contents.

But I am completely hollow.

Godforsaken.

God, how I wish I could get you back.

Feel your arms around me.

Feel the security in your embrace.

Now there is nothing.

I have no one to confide in.

No one to correct me.

I have no one to love.

And no one to love me.

I suppose it all comes down to

Not realizing what you have

Until everything is stolen from you.

Whether I saw it at the time 

Or felt my actions later is completely irrelevant.

All I know is that you have to keep the "good" for good.