NSAQLY

Dear Jack,

I've always found that January/February are the most miserable and slow months.

Valentines day is right around the corner - and every year I am a valentines day scrooge. It is my least favorite holiday.

Why can't we just skip to March 17th?

I know I am not a bad looking girl - but I am disappointed in how low my self confidence is and low it has always been.

I often wonder why and how it got to be that way.

Maybe it was all the bullying in my childhood...maybe it was my family.

Who knows.

I think a lot of it today, steams from self consciousness from the car crash.

My right eye looks like a cat's eye.

My iris is torn open - and my eye lens isn't even real.

If my eye pressure doesn't go down I will go blind when I am older.

It's like I am a ticking bomb.

I feel like an animal some days.

A freak of nature.

Sometimes I catch people staring...

I have let this self consciousness get in the way of so many opportunities...and I am tired of it.

How do you get past something that changed your life forever?

Something that changed your appearance. Your vision.

I remember not long after my surgery my father said I looked like a dog.

He was joking but it has always stuck to me.

On NYE he also said that if a man hit on me, he'd probably be drunk. My brother heard this comment and burst out into laughter. Not good laughter. Cruel laughter.

Again - I know he was joking but it still hurt a little.

I have to get thicker skin Sean. I have come so far in these years and I am so proud of myself - yet whenever I am proud, I am usually called self centered or narcissistic.

I just cant win.

But this year I am closer to peace. Closer to acceptance. Closer to more confidence.

I read in a book that you were described as ugly in appearance.

You also apparently bought a Fianna hat a size too small for your head..and this made you look utterly ridiculous - but you wore it with pride anyways.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder..and to me you will always be so handsome.

There is a song by the Script called "Never Seen Anything Quite Like You."

It is my favorite love song...it makes me feel beautiful inside and out.

Whenever I get married I want it to be played at my wedding.

The song makes Valentines day more tolerable. ;)

I hope you are safe.

I hope you are well.

I love you. So much.

Your girl on earth

Kathryn

Author's Note