Betrayal

Dear Jack,

There is still so much anger and hurt looming inside of me.

I vowed 2017 would be the year to let go..

I have come such a long way - and I am so proud of myself...

But he still haunts me.

It is still raw.

Wounds are still fresh.

And every once in a while..

The salt is poured in.

I cringe and I shiver.

I remember.

I feel beyond stupid.

I remember kissing him and then his hands pushing me off of him.

And then I laugh because he deserved all my so called "craziness."

He is the one who fed me all the s**t that made me brainwashed and wanting him.

He told me he had desperately wanted me for over  a year.

But I also feel sorry for him. Even to this day.

There are times I want to know how he is doing mentally.

I wish I could talk to him. Just once more.

I am still concerned about him.

Yes, he may have been a womanizer - a player.

Yes he betrayed me..

But he was once my friend.

His brother committed suicide.

And then he lost his best friend - who is now my own friend.

He told me he was a wreck - and it was 1000 percent true.

He clearly needed help..(and probably still does)

I can't help but wonder if he may have had some kind of problem.

I blamed myself for so long, Jack!

I thought I was this ugly girl who was diseased or cursed.

But as I look back - it was all him.

I did nothing wrong..

At dinner tonight the music he gave me was brought up to my mind.

I glared at my food.

I am always surprised by how intense the fury that grows inside of me is.

It is monstrous - bigger than myself.  

I never knew I could feel such large amount of anger.  

My mother asked what was wrong and I shrugged it off.

Looking back at how many hours I wasted.

How much sleep I lost over giddiness.

How many months he led me on and got my hopes up.

Looking back at how hopeful, driven, certain, and excited I was is more than heartbreaking.

It is heart shattering.

I still have numerous pieces written on here that were about him.

I hate what happened. I hate it.

But I can't turn back time - and the chapters of him cannot be rewritten.

I know you were also betrayed.

One of your men decided to take off his uniform and get up and leave out of the clear blue sky - even during battling the British.

You did not take it well.

You were so angry you ordered your men to shoot this particular man if they saw him.

I was surprised when I read that.

But I understood.

I can't lie - I have fantasized about burning my own betrayer's flat down...even the ice cream

shop below.

But at the end of the day..

What truly matters is being a good person.

And I know you would agree.

I hope you are safe.

I hope you are well.

I love you.

Your girl on earth

Kathryn