Reflection

Something is bothering me. 

And so I thought I'd write to help me work something out. 

I've been noticing a pattern. 

The Fourth of July...Halloween...Thanksgiving...Christmas...New Years...Valentines Day..

I've found them all to be brutally lonely. 

Almost taunting.

I just barely find magic in them. 

And it always feels like there is something missing. 

But for the life of me, I cant figure out what it is. 

Is it just my age?

Is it growing up?

Is it because the people I truly want to be with are either far away or

not in my life? 

Is it because I'm seeing all my peers with their own new families and babies?

I deny this horrendous pain in my mind...but in my heart I know the holidays are not holidays to me anymore. And it makes me so sad because I adore holidays and celebrations! 

It feels like just another day and today is Christmas day. 

Is it because all my traditions were either taken away or I was too sick to participate

in things this year?

Is it because that perhaps I just like being alone?

And why do I like being alone so much? 

Crowds of people overwhelm me. 

Family Gatherings make me anxious.

I feel like people are judging me.

I feel awkward. I feel out of place.

What is going on?

Why do I feel like this?

This pattern just doesn't stop. 

Unless it's St Patrick's day. :) (Thank goodness for that)