Ending Dreams

Painting by Leidulf Tjugen

Ending Dreams

We often reach the answer

but never know the cause.

Defensive positions on the battlefield,

we attack to survive

and stave off the wounds

that hate might inflict,

as we put love to the brutal sword.

But we still feel salt tears burn our cheeks

as we stand before the corpse

and justify it all

based upon the thinnest fears.

If we had looked,

if only we had seen the glens of hope

where the sun slides silently between dark mountains,

bathing the land in its warmth,

maybe,

just maybe we would have survived.

 

18/05/13

Reviews

[James Hanna-Magill]

Dear John

I thought I would review a piece of your writing this morning.

I picked this from your list by its inviting title.

Without going into too much detail, the kind of reviews I do can vary in style, but:

a. They will always give the writer an emotional response from one reader to writer, so that they can judge their impact;

b. They are invariably long. That is probably the result of both my desire to give at least as much attention to what I am reading as the care and effort taken by the writer in writing it. Moreover it may be a reflection of my own disorder as a friend on this site has pointed out who also suffers from bipolar disorder; and

c. I always seek to be balanced and constructive in my reviews. Reviewing is not for its own or the reviewer's sake. Rather it is to help, not hinder the writer in their writing.

And so to my review.

1) Structure and rhymes: One stanza of seventeen lines. You do not seek to rhyme internally or externally. I have no objection.

Whilst it can be rewarding to watch those who adhere to fixed formats, I believe poetry should be an emotional statement by the poet, which can be written in any style. Yours might be described as free style.

I think you could actually have written it in prose format where the contents have a poetic feel - Poetic prose or if you like Poetry in prose

But either way, what you do here works for me.

2) Rhythm: Albeit the lines are of different length which restricts a steady beat of the drum, I still hear something similar on reading it aloud. Even if it didn't have any metre, I still would not mind for the reasons expressed above.

3) Punctuation and grammar: Both you observe precisely, including use of Capital letters at the beginning of sentences and lower case in between.

That is another reason why this could have been written as poetic prose. Often in free style, poets may ignore punctuation and / or capital letters. I have no objection.

But if a poet seeks to deal in a certain way I like to see the rules they used to be applied consistently. You are consistent here.

4) Allusions / metaphor: I do like the way in which you compare this aspect of love / hate as a battlefield - 'battlefield 'itself 'wounds' 'brutal sword 'corpse'

Whereas, had things been better, you compare the hope of love to nature - 'glens' 'sun [between] dark mountains'

5) Message: Often in poetry the poet will choose one of two approaches - to be absolutely transparent in their message or completely opaque. This piece veers towards the transparent.

In the end it is the writer's meaning to own and the reader's to find or at least place their own interpretation on the piece.

You supply no helping hand to the reader other than the title 'Ending Dreams' and the words of the poem itself.

But in connecting the two, it is clearly a poem about the bitterness of love when it fades and what might have been had it not ended and different attitudes were taken by both parties.

That is my view.

6) Favourite lines:

First lift:

'We often reach the answer
but never know the cause'.


My personal reaction? I find the philosophy behind the words both intriguing and well expressed.

The world is often nothing apparently but cause and effect. That as you rightly say may result in clearing experiencing the effect but being unable to diagnose precisely the cause.

Even if we guess the cause, we can get it wrong.

There is a phrase in Latin which I always find interesting in this context.

'Post hoc ergo propter hoc'

In translation that means: "Since that event followed this one, that event must have been caused by this one." That is a fallacy. Just because one event follows another it does not mean the second is the result of the first.

Next lift:

'But we still feel salt tears burn our cheeks
as we stand before the corpse'

You eloquently show how sad it is to see love dead to dying. The emotions are heart breaking. I should know. Been there and done it many times.

Next lift and your final lines:

'if only we had seen the glens of hope
where the sun slides silently between dark mountains,
bathing the land in its warmth,
maybe,
just maybe we would have survived'.

As I say I find this an attractive way of describing what might have been had we taken a different approach in love. But as you say at the outset, you just cannot work out what went wrong.

7) Overview: I find this an attractive poem, be it freestyle or as I say it could easily have been written as poetic prose.

Its allusions are effective and the mode of self-expression well chosen.

The philosophy behind it must be easily understood by most readers who will recognise it as part of their own experience of life as do I.

I hope this review is helpful to you be it simply as a gut reaction from one reader to you the poet.

With my warmest regards


James Hanna-Magill

[John Alexander McFadyen]

James I am overawed. This is not one of my favourite pieces. Your review is the most thourough I have recieved in the past ten months. I value it greatly. I confess to being somewhat illiterate. I know little about the English language. I leave that to my son and daughter. My son's poetry is, in my biased eyes, amazing for a 19 year old. he too is on the site as is my daughter. Many thanks James.

[James Hanna-Magill]

My complete pleasure, James

[MOON]

Sometimes the most aggressive are the most fearful . Attack before being attacked if we just stepped back perhaps things would have been different . Lovely deep write.

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Thank you Moon

[Ravyne Hawke]

We must have been on similar muse-links as we have both expressed similar views. I think I like yours better ha! But then it appears that I am gaining a reputation as a mournful writer. Fear is a funny thing. It can drive some to battle and others to cower. Hope is all we have and without it, we are definitely doomed. Excellent write dear.

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Thanks Lori. Lucky for me mine is simply poetry from past experience not the emotion of the moment. Hope you are OK.

[Ravyne Hawke]

I am okay dear.. muddling through as best I can. Life just keeps tossing me curve balls of late.

[John Alexander McFadyen]

So hide them in the garden shed cause if you toss em back life will keep the curves coming!

[Ravyne Hawke]

Haha! Never thought about it that way.. smart fella you are!