Gulf

My first sedoka

The stars will guide you,

light your path into my arms,

so look to the sky.

 

I look to the sky

but the clouds have gathered there,

here I must remain.

 

11/04/19

Author's Note

Reviews

[Chris Shaw]

There is indeed a gulf here. Two people miles apart. Well done you for trying new forms.

Chris

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Ideally this is supposed to be written by two people, each one taking a role. Tis enjoyable to try new forms as you know. Just don't do enough of it. Thanks Chris.

[Coyote Poetry]

Hard to be waiting. Even with the clouds above. We shall wait and thank you John for sharing the amazing poetry.
Coyote

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Many thank my fellow scribe.

[Coyote Poetry]

You are welcome John.

[Richard🖌]

Quite sadly moving and relatable, John,
How you've inspired love on one hand and discouraged it on the other, leaving a "Gulf" of unrequited separation between the two.
I very much enjoyed your creative visual artistry here, portraying deep emotion that leaves the passionately hopeful heart alone and forlorn.
I actuality, these are a well-crafted pair of Senryu, John, while the specifics of the Sedoka are: An unrhymed poem made up of two three-line Katauta, with the following syllable counts: 5/7/7/5/7/7, paired as a single poem, addressing the same subject from differing perspectives* (*which you definitely and skillfully have done).

Easily sorted, it's a fine first effort, My Ol' Friend … thank you most gratefully for sharing! ⁓ Richard 🍃

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Thanks Richard. I took my lead from https://www.writersdigest.com/whats-new/katauta-poetic-form and he advises the use of either 5-7-5 or more commonly 5-7-7.

[Richard🖌]

Japanese forms, seemingly so simple, can be quite complicated.
Here is a simple explanation I use in my teaching:
"KATUATA"
The Katuata originally consisted of two three line poems consisting of 19 sound units or onji each, (in the West we would describe this as having a syllable count of 19 each, 38 total).
There was originally a break after the fifth and twelfth onji, and this would give us in the West a form structure of 5/7/7 syllables each.
Later poets, also, wrote using only 17 onji and this gave a syllable structure of 5/7/5 each.
There were two Japanese poetry forms that use this form, the Mondo and the Sedoka.
The Mondo and the Sedoka are similar in that they both use one pair of Katuata, with the difference being that the Mondo was written by two poets and consisted of a question and answer, and the Sedoka was written by a single author.
I've, actually, spent hours at a time hashing-out the differences and fineries of Japanese poetic forms, and the main arguments stem from the situation that the Japanese language has no real alphabet, per se, but, but is based most entirely on phonetical sound inflections and written symbolic characters.
Hiragana characters is the main alphabet or character set for Japanese. Japanese, also, consists of two other character sets - Kanji (Chinese characters), and another alphabet/character set, Katakana, which is mainly used for foreign words. ... there are 5 vowels in Japanese.
Clear as mud, eh? LOL!

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Aye clear as mud Richard. Interesting though. I have also been led to understand that there are many corruptions to Japanese form. Some from translation to the western alphabet and some as other poets adapted and altered the original forms.

[Richard🖌]

Well, unless you speaks Japanese, John, we're going to have to interpret the phonetical sounds of their language as syllables, because that's the nature of English, and there is no other way we can grasp the essence of 17 or 19 onji (guttural sound inflections) other than as syllables.
Understanding it in this manner allows us to write their poetry in our language.

[Lydia Shutter]

I am not familiar with this form, but I like the fact it speaks as if two people have written it. A poignant write...romance and longing are strong. Lydi**

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Yes tis two sides of a romance talking in conjoined senyru! Thanks Lydi.

[slw]

Really like this, John. Melancholy. Your soft lines speak, can hear and feel them. Lovely.

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Thank you so much slw. Was just trying a form new to me.

[Ted Kniffen]

Feels like unrequited love...one asks another to look to the stars and follow their heart...the other looks, but their view is challenged by the reality of everyday life and cannot leave.
Sad in a way.

A good write, John. A good first attempt.

[John Alexander McFadyen]

You have nailed the intent Ted. Many thank yous!

[Suhd]

You've said so much in just a handful of lines. This poem stirs the blood in the most amusing way.

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Thank you Suhd. My first attempt at a sedoka.

[Suhd]

Pleasure. And a good one too.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

not bad really if we can stay away from the clouds of life...seek, find and stay in the blue, clear skies as much as we can.
j.

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Oh how I wish Jacob, how I wish lol. Many thank yous always.