In the Devil's Hands

Hiding my eyes waiting for Richard to comment!

In the depth of nightmare shadows I lay

that is the price for my sins that I pay,

all of the dreams I once held are suppressed

my mind reduced to a void unsurpassed.

.

And as I look to the future I see

the shadow of death is following me

and as I turn and I stare in her eyes,

what I see there gives me little surprise.

 

She looks down on my sad soul with distain

and in her eyes I do swear I see pain,

because she knows that I've tried to be good

but a deep darkness lives here in my blood.

 

I am an errant, lapsed Catholic it's plain,

one whose dark monsters have never been slain.

 

17/04/19

Author's Note

Reviews

[Siddhartha Chatterjee]

Do I sense regret in these lines? A very tight poem - personally, I have no faith in any religion (which is not the same as not believing in Her (God) or something similar) but I can totally understand the guilt, fear, regret associated in being "good" according to religion - since growing up wasn't so liberating in terms of non-adherence to religion (in spite of a pretty understanding set of parents, but hello, society!).

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Regret perhaps, perhaps not. I am with you, as I have no faith and am happy to put my faith in life itself. Many thanks Sid.

[kentuck14]

Born into and raised in the Catholic Church, I'm afraid I felt more guilt than grace. Your opening stanza reminds me of my teenage days when fear struck my heart at night. I can only speak for myself in this . . . I suppose there were many Catholics who prospered in the RC church. My current faith culture offers me faith, hope and love and allows me to see pain for what it is . . . but also joy in suffering (my own of course). As to other's pain, grace allows me to enter in to some degree and be an encouragement. All this is not because of my "good" life (it's impossible to live so), but possible because of Someone else's perfect life.
John, this is a well constructed poem . . . very vivid. It's also very haunting.
Wishing you all the best,
Tom

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Thank you Tom. I am haunted by catholiscism like many. i write on it often but thankfully mostly memories. I am glad you have found something more fulfilling.

[kentuck14]

Thank you my friend . . . I wish the same for you.

[Mrudula Rani]

Your subject matter for sonnet is extraordinary, John. Usually poets write( endlessly) about romantic trappings... I liked you option, but you are too unkind to yourself. From what I gathered about you from your writings is, that you are a gentle caring person.

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Thank you Mrudula. I do have a Catholic upbringing and I guess we all have 'demons' but I do somewhat massage them with the oils of poetic licence.

[andrew mitchell]

One should not be too hard on oneself as it is only a belief after all! Especially when those who do preach are far from perfect!

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Ha tis a verse dear sir, a verse! Cheers.

[kentuck14]

As one who has preached . . . I certainly have never been perfect in my performance. Never will be in this world.
Tom

[kdlxinw]

购买办理美国毕业证书 制作康奈尔大学毕业证成绩单Q代办微信770882133制作Cornell毕业证成绩单真实学历学位认证代办高仿毕业证代办教�™部学历学位认证使馆认证归国人员证明,留信网认证 Cornell University

[jacob erin-cilberto]

is this about one of my old nuns?
perhaps they would cry to see me now...or better yet, a slight smile, even if just a sarcastic one.
j.

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Indeed Jacob. I only had Brothers in an all male school. So perhaps she was one of yours sent to haunt my writing? Many thanks.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

in my high school...priests...joliet catholic...nuns were grade school...in NY and Lockport...:))

[jacob erin-cilberto]

uh oh...it's sister Theresa Claire, our Principal....she was so stern.

[John Alexander McFadyen]

It must be her as she has a NY accent lol!