A New Order

A 'shaggy dog' joke!

A French monastery high in the Pyrenees; The Abbot has called together a group of his most senior monks as he is worried about the declining interest in Christianity and the work of his holy order.

 

“We are not receiving as many new Brothers into the order as we did ten years ago” he tells the assembled holy men. “Our coffers are being squeezed severely because of rising prices and reduced benefaction, declining donations and shrinking alms giving.”

 

He looks around at the solemn faces gathered at the table. No one seemed to have anything to say.

 

“Brothers….we must find a plan to address this decline otherwise…otherwise it could spell the end of this holy order.”

 

At this point a rather shy bespectacled monk looks up.

 

“Brother Abbott, Rome says that we should modernise, that we should move with the times. We need to market ourselves better.” He says.

 

“Brother Henri I agree….What do you suggest?”

 

“Well for a start Brother Abbott, take these habits we are wearing. They are a few years old now and although of good quality they are faded and very drab in appearance.”

 

Several monks nod in agreement.

 

The Abbott, seeing this, replies

 

“Dear Brothers I see many of you share this view, but given our financial state we are not in a position to purchase the number of new ones we require.”

 

“Ah Brother Abbott, there may be a way round this problem that would prove less costly and allow us to present to the local village, at least, a symbol of modernising.” Pipes up Brother Jean.

 

“Do pray share this revelation Brother Jean.” Encourages the Abbott.

 

“Well Madame Lavage down in the village could dye them in a more modern colour, thereby refreshing them and making them more appealing”.

 

After further deliberation the monks agree this would be a good idea and one they could afford. They decide on purple because it is seen as less drab but tasteful. Brothers Henri and Jean are tasked with the project and set about a plan to get the habits to Madame Lavage. They decide to send them in batches on a cart pulled by a donkey.

 

The first batch is soon loaded on the cart and the donkey stirred into action with the Brothers seated side by side as they descend the long mountain trail to the village.

 

Madame Lavage is more than pleased to take on the job as her washroom has also seen a downturn in business in recent times.

 

“Return in a week from now Brother Jean and I will have your habits clean and dyed and looking fresh once more.”

 

So the Brothers turn the cart round and trudge up the long and winding mountain trail. The old donkey needing a prod from time to time as it wheezed its way to the top.

 

A week later the Brothers once again hitch the old donkey to the cart and make the long journey down the mountain trail. Sure enough Madame Lavage is as good as her word and the habits are washed, dyed and neatly tied in bundles ready for collection. The Brothers load their cargo onto the back of their cart and after a quick toilet and refreshment break prod the old donkey into action. Struggling up the steep and well worn track the donkey needs to rest on several occasions and has to be strongly encouraged to start on his way again.

 

On reaching the monastery several fellow monks come out to help unload the cart. They take the habits into the laundry room where Brother Phillipe, who is in charge of the small operation inspects them closely.

 

“Ah Brothers” he says smelling the laundered garments. “Without doubt these look much better and the freshness is good. Madame Lavage has done a good job. “However I think you will find she has used too much starch. These habits will chafe the flesh of any Brother who wears them”

 

“There is nothing for it.” says Brother Henri, “We must return down the mountain and get Madame Lavage to wash them once more.”

 

With that the same monks who unloaded the cart begin to load it again. When the task is complete Brothers Henri and Jean once again climb onto the cart and prod the poor old donkey towards the main gate.  The journey is even slower as the donkey is still tired from the effort of the previous journey. Eventually after twisting and turning and bumping over ruts they arrive back in the village and make their way to Madame Lavage’s shop.

 

They explain to Madame Lavage the problem. She apologises profusely and promises to have the garments ready in three days time. The two monks clamber back onto the cart and begin the slow drag up the hill again. Despite an empty load the poor donkey has to stop from time to time as it is by now quite exhausted.

 

Three days later the two monks and the donkey make the slow and painful journey into the town. Madame Lavage is once more apologetic and keen to please the Brothers for whom she has great respect. The habits have been washed again and have retained the dye well. They are neatly folded and loaded in bundles on the cart. The Brothers take a light supper at the only café in the village before deciding to head back up to their lofty perch of a monastery. The poor donkey struggles painfully up the steep path with its load and at one point Brother Henri has to step down to ease the weight.  After an hour they reach the summit and a gang of monks unloads the habits for storage in the linen cupboard. Brother Phillipe inspects them again and with a sigh he informs his colleagues that there is still a problem.

 

“Brothers I am sorry to say there still appears to be too much starch in these garments. Not good for working in the vineyard, the fields or with the goats. They will need to go back to Madame Lavage.”

 

Once more the slow and bone jarring journey is undertaken by the two monks. They arrive at Madame Lavage’s laundry just as she is closing up shop.

 

“Oh my dear Brothers I am so sorry to have put you to so much trouble. I apologise and assure you that I will do my best to correct this problem. Return in two days. I will personally supervise the washing of your robes and have them waiting for you.”

 

After a refreshment and toilet break, the two monks heave themselves onto the cart for the homeward journey but after a few yards they are forced to get off and walk as the weight is too much now for the old donkey who can no longer cope with such a schedule.

 

After two hours of walking they reach the top. Exhausted they bed down the poor donkey and leave fresh straw and water in the stable for it.  They fall exhausted into their cots and sleep soundly.

 

In two days still recovering from the exertion the two colleagues once more hitch up the poor old donkey and head back down the steep and tiring mountain track.

 

Madame Lavage sees them approaching and comes out to meet them. She and three of her laundry maids help to load the cart and she invites the Brothers to take refreshment with her.

 

“I have done my level best.”  she says, “ I am afraid  that this is the best I can do. Please give this note and my apologies to the Abbott. The two monks once again walk behind the cart and from time to time have to push it to help the donkey where the trail is particularly steep. After an exhausting two hours and twenty-two minutes they reach the monastery.

 

The Abbott, concerned for their welfare, is there with Brother Phillipe to greet them. He is handed the note. He looks at it and laughs to himself merrily.

 

Intrigued, Brothers Henri and Jean ask him what is in the note.

 

“It is from Madame Lavage.” The Abbott says, “She apologises for the inconvenience but says there is nothing further she can do. She also offers an explanation.” He says with finality.

 

“So what is her explanation?”  Presses Brother Jean

 

The Abbott looks over his spectacles

“We should have known really” He says wisely. "She says that 'old habits dye hard'.”

 

 

Author's Note

Reviews

[gram linski]

a hefty tome from the pamphleteers, a new world ordered stick with the short sharp abrasive smack across the bawsac , blue Monday indeed, she's lost control again, The Joy Division,

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Ah but one has to stretch now and again old boy. Old habits an all that!