So Far Away

So Far Away

(Somonka)

 

Tears stain my pillow

Since you went so far away.

Though I still need you,

You have not returned to me.

Now, you’re in a place I’ve never seen.

Does your heart miss me the same?

 

My sweet, sweet loved one,

How do I even attempt

To describe this place?

Cry not sorrow’s tears for me,

I’m in the Almighty’s care…

Waiting for you to come share.

 

Melinda McQueen Rodgers

September 30, 2021

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

The question of love dear Melinda. We shall ask often in a long life.
"Now, you’re in a place I’ve never seen.
Does your heart miss me the same?"
I adored the above lines. Thank you dear friend for sharing the amazing poetry. I did enjoy.
Coyote

[Melinda McQueen]

Thanks for reading my poem. Much appreciated.

[Coyote Poetry]

You are welcome dear Melinda.

[JayG]

So...If I was the one this was written to, I might be glad to get it. If I knew what you were talking about, and who you and this unknown man/woman/kid was, that might help.

As written, this could be a mother writing to a ten year old, someone penning a letter to a child or friend away at school, a wife writing to a soldier, or a million things. But not knowing any of the hows and whys of the situation, how can it have meaning to a reader?

No on reads a poem to learn the mood of the one who wrote it. They want to be MADE to feel, and care, not just know. They want you to stir their emotions, even if only to make them say, "That's such a great way to say it." But what's poetic about "Missing you so much?" But how can "Though I’ve cried plenty," mean anything to a reader who doesn't know WHY this person cried, their gender, age, or what these people are or were to each other? We don't even know why they're not together.

See the problem? The story in your head never made it to the page. But it is in your head, so when you read it... The thing is, it's a problem you won't see, because it is in your head. And since you can't fix a problem you don't see as being one, I thought you would want to know.

Don't tell the reader that someone misses someone else, make THEM miss that person, for the same reason. Invite them in, don't talk TO them. Make them remember emotions and situations.

When you say, for example, "the screams of children at play," the reader will pull up a memory, and literally be there, hearing those kids in their mind. And, your saying, "The warmth of your hand on mine" will recall that feeling to a reader. But saying, "Though I’ve cried plenty," is meaningless to the reader, unless they know WHY this person cried, and what they were to each other. But we don't know even gender, age, relationship, or anything that will make the poem meaningful.

Do a bit of study of poetic technique. It can make a huge difference. One thing I suggest, though it's focused more on structured poetry, is to read the excerpt to Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled, on Amazon. What he has to say about the flow of language is useful, and important, for any writer.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[Melinda McQueen]

Thanks for the helpful advice. I'm new to the Somonka from. I think I concentrate too much on getting the syllables correct. In the first stanza I wanted the reader to wonder who I was talking about, then surprise them in the second. However. I do see what you're saying. Thank you