Birth Of A Heart-Beat

In a box

of thunderous loneliness

there is precious little

else but the sound of one's own

thoughts as though loud enough

to wake the dead

who sleep with eyes open

to the sky

plumed by uneasy storms

ahead, yet there

is nothing to say, so

listen closely instead....

 

There are times

like combination locks, safes,

deposit box

with two keys like

love with two hearts

will be required to open

as will it also be

needed to keep

locked when one does not

wish others to see

the color and shape

of what we feel ...

so look upon their face

and silently

read.

 

wait patiently as wives

of war heroes in battlefields

patiently

for husbands to return,

and if unmarried

for the birth of a heartbeat,

for passion to burn...

Reviews

[Wordcrafter]

This is lovely in its simplicity, saying much with few words, and I love the metaphors you used.

[Collette]

Ahhh, love. You've done a lovely job with this, my friend. I love the imagery you create: it's simple and effective. Likewise, the concept of a heartbeat starting when one becomes two is highly romantic. Beautiful, really. The poem in itself took me a few times to read. Each time I went through it, another subtle line popped out at me. It was as if I was reading a different piece each time. Cleverly done indeed. My favorite lines are thus, simply because the image was vivid, and the parallel was a unique concept that intrigued me:

There are times
like combination locks, safes,
deposit box
with two keys like
love with two hearts
will be required to open
as will it also be
needed to keep
locked when one does not
wish others to see
the color and shape
of what we feel ...

As far as editing goes, there isn't much I would do to this piece if it were my own. Perhaps some of the lines in the first stanza read a bit rough, and for me they interrupted the flow a bit. (nothing too bad) For example,
there is precious little
else but the sound of one's own
thoughts as though loud enough

in reality, I was probably just emphasizing the wrong words as I read along. Either way, I am no expert, and your piece is beautiful as is.


Excellent job, my friend. Brava! Thanks for sharing. :)